Wednesday, November 04, 2015
It's one of those situations that you don't tend to give much thought when your firstborn comes along. But then the third arrives and your oldest turns eight and all of a sudden you're changing nappies one minute and discussing playground rivalry the next. And in the middle is a pre-schooler singing and dancing and pushing buttons and finding her place.
Somedays it all goes along swimmingly and others it really does require immense amounts of patience.
Perhaps the most challenging thing about the gaps that we do have is the amount of time Percy spends in the car, going to and fro between home and school and swimming and drama and dancing. And he hates the car. In fact, I would class a baby screaming in the car as one of the most stressful parenting experiences there is. Just last week I gripped the steering wheel, exhaled loudly and then joined in a rather tense rendition of The Lion Sleeps Tonight in an attempt to calm the noise. Did it work? Of course not. Was Percy perfectly fine when we got into the driveway? Yes. Being in-and-out of the car also makes for disrupted sleep patterns which certainly has contributed to Percy's relatively short day-time sleeps.
But as frustrating as interrupted sleep and loud car journeys can be, they are the only cons in this scenario. Our big age gaps (there's 3years 9months between Che and Poet and 3years 7months between Poet and Percy) have been perfect for our family and I really wouldn't have it any other way. Percy may have to accompany me to school drop-off and pick-up most days but he also gets a lot of one-on-one time with me. And when the big kids get home? Oh, the delight! He is cuddled and kissed and soothed, there is always someone building him a block tower and he always gets a story read to him, even if it's not the book of his choice.
Personally, these large age gaps have afforded me the time and space to build my career as a work-from-home writer and photographer, something that would definitely have been more difficult if I had of had a two in nappies at once, for instance. I also know myself and my body well - I needed to experience a period of independence once I weaned before I fell pregnant again. I needed to regain some energy and spend some time nurturing my self - for everyone's sake (funnily enough, Chinese Medicine believes that the ideal period between birth and the next conception to be three years).
Percy will start school the year that Che starts high school (hold me, that's going to be big) and if we do have a fourth, I'll have one in pre-school, too. I know, too, that the mental and emotional parenting will be so much more demanding than it is right now. It's something I come back to when toying with having another baby - can I juggle the social and emotional demands of a tween, a school girl, a preschooler and a newborn? How can Daniel and I make it work?
Growing a family is very much about what your heart desires. And yes, my heart longs for another babe. But I continue to remind myself to look forward and consider the logistics of a large family, the juggle of work and motherhood, the demands of siblings spread over ten years.
I'd love to hear about your chosen age-gaps. How do they work? What has been the most challenging stage so far?
also - the age gap conundrum and on having a third baby (and then, one year on).
Somedays it all goes along swimmingly and others it really does require immense amounts of patience.
Perhaps the most challenging thing about the gaps that we do have is the amount of time Percy spends in the car, going to and fro between home and school and swimming and drama and dancing. And he hates the car. In fact, I would class a baby screaming in the car as one of the most stressful parenting experiences there is. Just last week I gripped the steering wheel, exhaled loudly and then joined in a rather tense rendition of The Lion Sleeps Tonight in an attempt to calm the noise. Did it work? Of course not. Was Percy perfectly fine when we got into the driveway? Yes. Being in-and-out of the car also makes for disrupted sleep patterns which certainly has contributed to Percy's relatively short day-time sleeps.
But as frustrating as interrupted sleep and loud car journeys can be, they are the only cons in this scenario. Our big age gaps (there's 3years 9months between Che and Poet and 3years 7months between Poet and Percy) have been perfect for our family and I really wouldn't have it any other way. Percy may have to accompany me to school drop-off and pick-up most days but he also gets a lot of one-on-one time with me. And when the big kids get home? Oh, the delight! He is cuddled and kissed and soothed, there is always someone building him a block tower and he always gets a story read to him, even if it's not the book of his choice.
Personally, these large age gaps have afforded me the time and space to build my career as a work-from-home writer and photographer, something that would definitely have been more difficult if I had of had a two in nappies at once, for instance. I also know myself and my body well - I needed to experience a period of independence once I weaned before I fell pregnant again. I needed to regain some energy and spend some time nurturing my self - for everyone's sake (funnily enough, Chinese Medicine believes that the ideal period between birth and the next conception to be three years).
Percy will start school the year that Che starts high school (hold me, that's going to be big) and if we do have a fourth, I'll have one in pre-school, too. I know, too, that the mental and emotional parenting will be so much more demanding than it is right now. It's something I come back to when toying with having another baby - can I juggle the social and emotional demands of a tween, a school girl, a preschooler and a newborn? How can Daniel and I make it work?
Growing a family is very much about what your heart desires. And yes, my heart longs for another babe. But I continue to remind myself to look forward and consider the logistics of a large family, the juggle of work and motherhood, the demands of siblings spread over ten years.
I'd love to hear about your chosen age-gaps. How do they work? What has been the most challenging stage so far?
also - the age gap conundrum and on having a third baby (and then, one year on).
Labels: simple parenting
Sunday, September 27, 2015
when motherhood wears you down
When your children are young it's easy to feel like your catapulted from one stage to the next. When I sense that we're on the cusp of change I muster all my patience and awareness and brace myself for the necessary adjustment; mothering little ones requires such enormous amounts of adaptability. Am I adaptable? Yes, but it's not always pretty and more often than not, I settle into a new stage only after resistance.
These past few weeks have been a bit of a struggle, to tell you the truth. And now that I'm well and truly past the mess of it I can see that actually, there was a lot was going on. It's been three-and-a-bit weeks since Poet's operation and while she powered through her recovery with courage and minimal complaints, her exhaustion has been evident. At around the same time Percy started eating solids and whilst he has devoured every crumb of every meal I've presented to him, I'm shocked (yet again) of the time-consuming nature of food and babies - so much mess, so much washing, so much time walking circles in the kitchen. The onset of school holidays coupled with torrential rain, Daniel working away and a slew of editorial deadlines has had me juggling like I've never done before. And yesterday the drama reached its peak when Percy fell off the bed because a certain little someone thought it would be a good idea to make a cubby house from all the pillows that were keeping him from rolling over. Thankfully he's absolutely fine but oh, my nerves.
In the midst of this recent struggle I've gone to and fro between being ok with it all and teetering on the edge of thinking that this really is complete and utter madness. Mother hormones and the all-day-every-day of life with small children can be a vicious combination. And while it's difficult to find perspective when you're worn down and stressed there are those moments that make it all ok; a break in the weather and a walk outside, baby giggles, a story completed, tea and chocolate, soundly sleeping children, Elizabeth Gilbert's take on fear and creativity - little things peppered throughout the chaos of the day that, ultimately, keep you chug, chug, chugging.
I try not to dwell on the slog of parenthood but acknowledging it exists is important.
Labels: simple parenting
Monday, September 21, 2015
from co-sleeping to cot sleeping
Daniel and I often remark on how different our entry to parenthood would have been if Percy was our firstborn. He's been (by far) the most unsettled of our three; the fussiest feeder and the lightest sleeper. There's a slew of reasons why this may be the case; the noise that accompanies two older siblings is relentless and the frequent in-and-out routine that coincides with school drop-off and pick-up isn't conducive to long, deep sleep cycles, to name a few. But I try not to get too caught up in the whys - often these issues fix themselves.
And they have, for now.
Perhaps the introduction of solid foods has something to do with it. While my past experiences were peppered with disinterest and dramatic gagging, Percy has decided to take on every piece of food placed before him with vengeance. I tentatively introduced him to avocado two weeks ago and now he's eating three meals a day and will happily consume a lamb cutlet and pumpkin + cauliflower mash in one sitting. Who would have thought?!
I also bought a cot. Sometimes my mama instinct is so strong that a voice arises and politely demands a trip to ikea because frankly, "this baby is not a co-sleeper". And it turns out I was right. For the first time in our parenting years our baby is sleeping in a cot instead of our bed. Granted, Percy does make his way back to our arms in the early hours of the morning but his day sleeps and (most of his) night sleeps are in the cot. It turns out he loves his own space and really, who are we to argue?
Sometimes your parenting intentions and ideals need to be put to the side so you can listen to your children with, dare I say it, objective ears.
I'm reminded of a lesson shared when Che was attending Steiner Playgroup as a three-year-old: "Just because you love the idea of a Steiner education doesn't mean your child will thrive in that environment."
Just because you intended to co-sleep with your baby, doesn't mean your baby will be in on the deal.
*and no, I can't open my wardrobe door without moving the cot. Small sacrifices for sleep, though.
Labels: simple parenting
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
family dynamics and the new baby
When I called my mum to tell her that Percy had arrived I could hear Poet whining in the background: "Humph, I'm wanted a girl baby!" In the weeks that followed she regularly rubbed my still swollen belly and asked: "When is the girl baby coming out?"
In retrospect, her disappointment was to be expected and I'm relieved she felt comfortable enough to express it, then and there, and get it out of the way. Because now? It's complete and utter adoration (especially when she is given the time and space to pull the fluff out from between his fingers and toes). Just this morning she really, truly embraced the mummy role and spat on her finger before wiping milk off his face.
A new baby brings with it unsurmountable joy and complete and utter overwhelm. Those first few weeks are emotionally charged and once the bliss wears off (give it a few days) the reality really starts to hit home. Everyone is in a state of limbo as they attempt to adjust and meltdowns are the norm. But you know what was most confronting about this shift? It was surprisingly difficult for me to mother Che and Poet. Yes, they were more demanding of my attention (understandable) but I was so deep in the post-birth haze that my ability to console them, let alone answer questions and deal with difficult behaviour, was beyond me. Is this common? I've never heard anyone else mention it, let alone be privy to a discussion between other mums. Perhaps it's the almighty power of motherly instinct, to place all your energy into nurturing and protecting the newborn. Or perhaps it's just a simple case of physical discomfort, hormones and exhaustion; dealing with tantrums and engaging in conversations about Harry Potter required far too much brain power.
Alas, I made it through and now I am quite adept at a conversation about the antics at Hogwarts.
At almost four months in, we are all starting to settle, really feel comfortable, in our new roles. There's a definite sense of clarity that returns at three-months-postpartum and I can now see how Che and Poet have adjusted. Che (almost 8) has been phenomenal; he gets himself in and out of the shower, makes a snack, ties Poet's shoelaces, brings the wood in, asks me if I would like a glass of water...and yet I feel like he's been the last to receive my attention because he is so independent. Poet is naturally demanding and incredibly affectionate and all she wants to do is be close to Percy (basically on top of him) so as you can imagine, I really do have to have eyes in the back of my head. But you know what I have noticed? As brother and sister they have become closer; they've forged ahead together and have a new-found bond that sparks as many beautiful moments (like above) as it does raging arguments.
Over the past few weeks, as I've had more space, I've been making a concerted effort to spend dedicated one-on-one time with Che and Poet. Of course, the timing has to be perfect so we aren't interrupted by Percy but even if it's five minutes, it makes all the difference. And if we are interrupted? Well, that's the way it is for now, and we all need to be a little more patient. There is five of us, after all.
When your new baby came along, how did you help your children adjust?
Labels: simple parenting , third child
Monday, January 12, 2015
When I was collating this list I asked Daniel what he remembers as being an essential in the first few months of baby. "Things to clean up with," he said. Which just about sums it up. Babies are beautiful but they create a lot of mess, hence a good supply of clothes, burp cloths and wraps are absolutely necessary. I'm also a fan of a neutral colour palette in those first few months; it ensures that everything can be washed together (you'll need to do at least one load a day) and it means that future siblings or friends' babies, regardless of their sex, will use the clothes, too.
As I start to prepare for my little one's arrival, I'm conscious of how often things will be used and where they're going to live. Two boxes of teeny tiny clothes are sitting in the laundry waiting to be washed and I'm proud to say that most of them were purchased or gifted when Che was born (quality stands the test of time and baby vomit).
In my opinion, this is what you need for baby:
1. Booties that stay on the feet (there aren't many on the market). These Nature Baby Cotton Drawstring Booties are a must-have and are, in my opinion, the best sock/shoe for those first few months.
2. I distinctly remember the few hours after Poet was born: I was holding her little hand and realised that her nails were quite sharp. And I'd forgotten to get mittens! It's probably the last thing you would think about but mittens are quite important in the first week or two as your baby's arms will flail about and they very easily scratch themselves. These fog linen mittens are simple and beautiful and come in their own calico bag for easy storage.
3. Nature Baby make a beautiful kimono-style bodysuit which ensures that dressing baby is easy. Sometimes slipping a top over baby's head is a little nerve-wracking, hence the kimono takes the stress out of the experience.
4. An Australian icon, the Bonds wondersuit is a staple from birth-two years. Nothing quite like snuggling your terry-towelling clothed newborn!
5. I recommend a good selection of cotton singlets for baby - these organic ones are my favourite.
6. Babies sleep - a lot, so they need to wear comfortable, soft clothes. Forget about denim or complicated designs and embrace cotton. I love these little stripe pants (and suits) from Gaia, these from Wilson & Frenchy and Nature Baby's striped bodysuits.
7. The Love To Dream Swaddle ensures baby can sleep soundly with its arms up - genius!
8. A hooded towel for bath time will be used from birth till toddlerhood. If you know the sex of your baby, I also love these ones.
9. I used a moses basket for Che and Poet but this time I'm buying a Tetra Organic Snuggle Bed to ensure safe co-sleeping (they can also be placed inside a cot so you don't need to invest in a bassinet). It's also easy to move around the house and comes highly recommended by many, many mothers.
10. Slings and carriers are the best way to settle your baby and keep your hands free. I love the Sakura Bloom linen sling.
11. Classic terry towelling nappies make fabulous burp cloths and will, I promise you, be used for all manner of reasons in your child's life. I still have the 12 that I bought when Che was a baby and they are still going strong.
12. Aden and Anais bamboo muslin swaddles have a bit of a cult following - for good reason. The bamboo range is divine - soft, silky and perfect for swaddling baby or using as a pram or feeding cover. I love these!
13. A soft, lightweight blanket comes in very handy. I recently bought this handmade four-layer cotton gauze blanket and it's ideal for our autumn weather which, at best, is unpredictable. I also love the fact that it's a practical heirloom.
14. My favourite newborn beanie features a quirky top-knot and is very easy to put on.
15. The l'il fraser cotton jersey wrap is one of my favourite baby items. It's so easy to swaddle baby in these and they wash incredibly well.
16. Every household needs a tub of Tui Bee Balm*. This miracle balm cures everything and is the only product you need to consider for nappy change time (it's also great for eczema).
17. My auntie makes the best muslin facewashers (she cuts squares of muslin and overlocks the edges). If you're not handy with a sewing machine, these are a great option for bath time but also make great clean-up cloths (we always have a few in each room of the house).
Whilst I'm sure I have forgotten a few things, I have no doubt that this collection will come in handy for you and your baby. If you have an item that you couldn't live without, please leave a comment below. I'm more than happy for this post to become a collaborative effort!
*an affiliate item that earns me a small commission when purchased.
Labels: pregnancy , simple parenting
Monday, December 01, 2014
let's talk baby names (for the third child)
Naming the third child is hard. There's much to consider; the name must sit well alongside Che and Poet and we would like something original (but not completely bizarre). The more children you have, the more children you know, hence so many of the names that once had potential are now associated with the kids' friends.
We also have a deep desire to meet this baby first, to look into its eyes and get to know him or her before we give a name. If I could pick this baby's personality traits right now, I'd say its calm and shy, creative and mysterious (going on mother's instinct), hence its name must suit.
Is naming the second, third, fourth child harder than naming the first? Surely I'm not the only one experiencing the name dilemma! And how long did you take to name your child? - we took a week to name Che while Poet was named within minutes of her birth.
Labels: simple parenting
Thursday, November 27, 2014
on having a third baby - one year on
when it comes to accessories, Poet firmly believes that "more is more"
It's been a year since I wrote "on having a third baby" and in that time it has become one of the most popular posts I've ever published. What is it about the third baby that causes such angst and deliberation for women? If I could take one guess, it's a simple case of mathematics - with three kids you're outnumbered (and by the third you're definitely feeling tired). But there must be more to it than that. No doubt those of you with three or more children are smirking now; filled with the wisdom that only comes from experience and knowing.
I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant and whilst many of the fears that I discussed last year have since dissipated there are still niggling worries that tend to surface at vulnerable times. Whilst I'm very grateful that we have relatively big age gaps between our children (3years and 9months between Che and Poet, 3years and 7months between Poet and baby) I'm well aware that school and pre-school commitments do not bode well with the newborn haze. Then there is, of course, the reality of working with a new baby; the juggle will become more complicated - there's an extra ball and I've only got two hands.
But the past few weeks have taught me some profound life lessons and I'm holding tight to them as we venture into this new stage of family life. When we first discovered that our house was going on the market and that moving was imminent, I was wracked with worry and fear. Everyone told us that the rental market was an unpleasant place to venture, that houses were overpriced and we'd just have to take what we could get (especially considering we wanted to be settled before Christmas). I was strongly resisting the reality that lay ahead and spent a good few days feeling anxious and miserable. In that time Vanessa emailed me and her simple words had a lasting impact:
change can be exciting and thrilling if we ease on the resistance and let it flow
I consciously let go of all that ugly resistance and three days later we found an ideal house; the next day our application was approved.
Growth and change is occurring within me and soon a baby will be born; our third-born, the one that we've been talking about for a good few years now. I'm accepting of the fact that I will rarely, if ever, get to the bottom of the washing pile. I know that we can all survive on eggs and toast for dinner and that running late to school is perfectly normal and acceptable. There will be work and deadlines and emails but there will also be long breastfeeding sessions, nappy changes and afternoon catch-up naps - a perpetual juggle and self-care will be priority (although personal space will be non-existent).
So tell me, mums of three plus, how can I make it all possible? I'd love to know what helped you in that first year. But please don't suggest a thermomix, it's not and probably won't ever be, in my budget.
Labels: simple parenting
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
after months without it I finally have my beloved 50mm 1.4 lens back (Daniel managed to pull it apart and fix it - a painstaking operation) / Poet wears the cloche hat that I wore in my late teens when I worked at Alannah Hill in Paddington
For the record, I wouldn't recommend your child start preschool in the wintertime; it's too much of a shock to the immune system. Alas, Poet turned 3 in mid-July hence she's been at pre-school for 6 weeks now (and she's spent 3 of those weeks at home). This winter has been a tough one (for everyone, it seems) and so as the germs slowly leave our bodies and our home, I'm ensuring I don't get complacent when it comes to our health. When the sun does come out we're straight out the door, soaking it up. I've had a pot of bone broth bubbling away on the stove non-stop and I'm making lots of fresh juice, chamomile tea and hearty meals. Whilst spring is just around the corner it's still cold here, hence my mantra continues: put your socks on. Thankfully, on they stay, keeping feet warm and bodies healthy.
One thing I do notice about illness and children (especially when a fever is involved) is the rapid growth they subsequently experience. All of a sudden Poet is older and wiser, her speech has matured and her behaviour is, well, an honest representation of a three-year-old (albeit challenging for her parents). She has leapt into three and once again I'm left wondering where those years went, where the baby disappeared to. She revels in her independence, does everything her way and refuses to accept help or guidance from us. Beautiful and stubborn and not a care in the world for what anyone else thinks.
I'm wary of how fast these next few years will go, how focussed I should be on savouring my time with her before she leaps, once again, into a new stage; at school age. When I feel like I haven't been mindful with my one-on-one time with her I make sure we walk together. She sometimes runs ahead or lingers behind so whilst we're rarely side-by-side it's that one-on-one time that I love the most. It's when she asks me the most questions and when I'm present enough to answer them with patience.
It's easy to feel guilty with the second child; to compare their experience with that of the firstborn and realise that it's been so very, very different. But it was always going to be different, wasn't it? Not better, not worse, just different.
I'm wary of how fast these next few years will go, how focussed I should be on savouring my time with her before she leaps, once again, into a new stage; at school age. When I feel like I haven't been mindful with my one-on-one time with her I make sure we walk together. She sometimes runs ahead or lingers behind so whilst we're rarely side-by-side it's that one-on-one time that I love the most. It's when she asks me the most questions and when I'm present enough to answer them with patience.
It's easy to feel guilty with the second child; to compare their experience with that of the firstborn and realise that it's been so very, very different. But it was always going to be different, wasn't it? Not better, not worse, just different.
Labels: simple parenting
Monday, June 16, 2014
If you're not a blogger you may be interested to know that I can see exactly what search terms direct readers to my blog. Lately there has been a distinct theme: fear of the third child. Readers have typed in the following: "scared for 3rd child" "having third child and nervous" and "having my third baby terrified me". I'm presuming they ended up at this post and were confronted or comforted by the plethora of comments.
Fear is a pertinent topic during pregnancy; I discuss it weekly with my prenatal students. But when it comes to motherhood the topic tends to get laughed off or easily dismissed. And yet, for me, fear is still a very real part of motherhood and I easily get caught up in it; I think about how I'm parenting almost daily, I think about raising children through the school years, guiding teenagers through (deep breaths, can't go there just yet).
I went to see my GP the other day for my annual check up and she asked me what it was like to solo-parent for 13 weeks. She knows me well; understands that I can get anxious and overwhelmed, so she was genuinely surprised when I told her that I just got on with it because I had no other choice. I didn't have the time (or the energy) to wallow in the difficulty of it - jobs needed to be done, children needed to be cared for and dinner needed to be cooked. It was a brilliant lesson in mindfulness; not the stop what you're doing and meditate kind but the practical, everyday this is what I'm doing now and I'm going to focus on it till it's finished kind.
But still, that fear. The best way for me to deal with it when it arises is to talk about it. Daniel and I will often discuss our parenting fears: did we say the right thing? how will we feel if this, this and this happens? how should we approach this? will he question the reality of the tooth fairy because we forgot to take the tooth? (this happened a few nights ago).
Right now I still have fear about having a third child. I also fear the social commentary that accompanies a child who excels in the arts but can't run to save his life. And apparently being a mother is the most important job in the world - how's that for pressure?!
So, what scares you at the moment? And if you aren't yet a mother, what scares you most about motherhood?
Labels: simple parenting
Monday, March 24, 2014
When I peeked into his classroom last week I noticed a few vacant chairs. It happens around this time every term; tired little bodies and minds ready for a few weeks of slow mornings and no plans. I find I'm extra mindful of him at the moment, mindful of my exhaustion, too.
The three of us have done pretty well these past 10 weeks; establishing our own rhythms and comforting each other when the missing has been overwhelming. We're nearing the end of this journey now, with less than four weeks to go (no definite date yet) and so I'm embracing the opportunity to do things our way; if we're a few minutes late for school - so be it. If a day at home is required, we'll rest and read and eat soup for lunch.
I find the school system, in general, isn't overly supportive of home days and rest time. But time at home is essential to mental and physical wellbeing and when it's required I succumb. Last week we needed to get a late note from the office and when the secretary asked me what my reason was I said: "embracing slow." She wrote: "running late". Perspective.
I imagine I'm not the only one experiencing a lull at the moment. Take care, go gently.
Labels: simple parenting
Monday, March 03, 2014
He packed 11 books for our little adventure. I encouraged him to cull them to four, we were only going for a day.
When your child goes to school it's rare to get one-on-one time with them. I imagine it's the same for families with more than two children, or for those who work full-time or for those who are just plain busy (all of us)...
Put simply, I've found that I have to be quite disciplined about creating time for Che and I to go somewhere or do something together. Sure, there's little moments here and there but what a difference a whole day makes to our relationship and his contentment (and my joy!). I took him to Sydney on Friday, an early morning train ride in the quiet carriage with the commuters. We visited our friend Alex (do yourself a favour and look at her photos, she is one of a kind), walked in the rain, spotted some low flying planes, shared morning tea in a sweet little inner-city cafe, bought a Batman comic and then hopped on the train home.
And you know what? It was like I had taken him to New York. He was so happy; to have me to himself, to ask me as many questions as he wanted, to hold my hand the entire time. Just before he fell asleep that night he said to me: "Mum, today was the absolute best." And when he woke the next morning, he exclaimed: "Yesterday was just great!" Oh my heart.
So: create one-on-one time with your children; regardless of their age, regardless of your busy schedule, regardless of the effort it takes to organise the time. It's worth it - always.
Labels: simple parenting
Monday, March 03, 2014
Mothers share a language that is both honest and heartfelt. We are fierce - protective and courageous. But there is no denying that in this age we are challenged; by racing time and fleeting childhood. Wholehearted is a series of moments captured by mothers. We are women inspired to be in the present. This is our everyday; authentic family life brimming with joy, mess and love.
I'm delighted to share Wholehearted - a journal with you. Launching today, it is a celebration of motherhood - and the vulnerability, contentment, doubt and happiness that naturally comes with this role. In a seemingly perfect online world we want to bring to light the imperfect (a challenge for each of us as we admit - we're idealists). It's about being wholesome and true, exposing our faults and recognising the good. We're doing it for ourselves, for each other and for you - the mother who will hopefully resonate with our photos and our words.
Every week we'll each post a photo that captures a moment of our days. It may be a quiet home scene, a portrait of siblings, a still life of washing, a heartwarming embrace.
I'm proud of this venture and feel humbled to have the opportunity to connect and collaborate with six women who I admire and respect. Thank you, Tamara, Claire, Lou, Kate, Amelia and Ali...
...and you, if you would like to be involved just pop over here and complete a submissions form.
*note that the first image above is a cup of coffee. Priorities!
Labels: photography , simple life , simple parenting
Friday, February 14, 2014
I need to get more photos with the kids / I could create an entire photo series of Che reading...the sunset was pink, hence the rosy linen
I received some clothes in the mail last week and I decided then and there to try a few pieces on. I slipped into a dress and started looking at myself in the mirror. I stood front-on and then turned to the side (and instinctively rose onto the balls of my feet to give myself a little height). I looked down to see Poet replicating my movements - the twirl from side-to-side, the glance up-and-down. She was revelling in the opportunity to play dress-ups with me and she made a point of commenting: "Lovely dresses, Mum. You look bootiful." "Oh gosh," I thought. "She really is watching my every move and listening to every single thing I say."
Perhaps it was that one incident or perhaps it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm solo-parenting but I can't stop thinking about the words I'm using with the children - how meaningful a single sentence is. This morning the lovely Emma (soon-to-be mama!) linked me to a fabulous post on A Cup of Jo. I first read it one night whilst breastfeeding Poet (she was only two-weeks old when it was published) and, at the time, I made a mental note of remembering its profound message. But you know what, I'm guilty of complimenting Poet on her clothes and her hair and her shoes; I do it a lot and hence she is forever asking to wear a "pretty dress". Does her extreme love of fairy wings and flower crowns come from within or have I prompted it? Am I balancing out the emphasis on clothes and accessories by reading Milly Molly Mandy* to her?
Since Che returned to school I've made a point of never asking him: "What did you do at school today?" because I know all too well that I'll receive "...not much" in return. Instead I ask him about his feelings. "What feelings did you have in class this morning?" "Well, I felt a little bit sad when I said goodbye to you but then we went into the classroom and I sat next to my new friend and I felt happy. And then I felt excited because we got to play some cool games." His response often gives me a beautiful insight to his morning; his experiences and emotions.
There's a lot to be said for mindful conversations with children. Tell me, do you find it all to easy to compliment girls on their looks and their clothes? What conversations do you have around the dinner table (we always talk about the best and worst parts of our day)?
*when I was young I borrowed (and renewed) a Milly Molly Mandy audio book from the library. I had a cassette player in my room and I listened to the tales of her days over and over and over again. I was so inspired by her passion for adventure and her mischievous ways.
Labels: simple parenting
Friday, February 07, 2014
Steph sent us a care package to encourage quiet creativity - Poet was happy for a good few hours / grass, hair, bow and Peppa
After reaching out to my village (you included) I realised: I've lost my parenting way. I don't intend to sound dramatic or down-trodden - not at all. But in the midst of my emotion and vulnerability it became blatantly clear that I have disregarded my values and relaxed my boundaries and it's not serving my family well. With such a realisation comes an enormous sense of relief - the root of the problems are obvious.
I took the tv away and yes, it was a drastic move, but it has worked wonders. Perhaps what has been most confronting is the amount of times I have caught myself thinking: "I'll just turn the tv on for 15 minutes whilst I send these emails/make this phonecall/prepare dinner..." Clearly I was relying on it to make homelife easier for me - a quick fix that, rather ironically, created complications in the long run. So the big, black screen is in the garage with a towel over it and I've created beautiful space in the loungeroom. How have the children reacted? Surprisingly well. Yes they have asked for it and I've taken to explaining clearly and and calmly that I didn't think it's the best thing for us right now and that perhaps we can read a book, go outside, listen to music instead. At the moment I have no desire to bring it back and so it stays, out of sight and out of mind.
Che and I have spent the past few days discussing our emotions and how we can express them without hurting others. The simple art of conversation has helped immensely; talking one-on-one without distraction. Why did I not realise that his sadness over Daniel is coupled with the overwhelm of a brand new school routine? I've been so busy and so caught up in missing Daniel that I haven't been very present - it took a screaming, angry six-year-old to tell me that for now, I'm the only parent and I'm desperately needed. I need to step up and in doing so, get back to parenting basics - talking, listening, encouraging good manners, discussing boundaries, expressing endless love.
The past few days have been happy and relatively calm. I'm so grateful for all the comforting, wise comments you left earlier in the week - I read each and every one and gained strength from your words and experiences. Thank you.
In other news...
I took the tv away and yes, it was a drastic move, but it has worked wonders. Perhaps what has been most confronting is the amount of times I have caught myself thinking: "I'll just turn the tv on for 15 minutes whilst I send these emails/make this phonecall/prepare dinner..." Clearly I was relying on it to make homelife easier for me - a quick fix that, rather ironically, created complications in the long run. So the big, black screen is in the garage with a towel over it and I've created beautiful space in the loungeroom. How have the children reacted? Surprisingly well. Yes they have asked for it and I've taken to explaining clearly and and calmly that I didn't think it's the best thing for us right now and that perhaps we can read a book, go outside, listen to music instead. At the moment I have no desire to bring it back and so it stays, out of sight and out of mind.
Che and I have spent the past few days discussing our emotions and how we can express them without hurting others. The simple art of conversation has helped immensely; talking one-on-one without distraction. Why did I not realise that his sadness over Daniel is coupled with the overwhelm of a brand new school routine? I've been so busy and so caught up in missing Daniel that I haven't been very present - it took a screaming, angry six-year-old to tell me that for now, I'm the only parent and I'm desperately needed. I need to step up and in doing so, get back to parenting basics - talking, listening, encouraging good manners, discussing boundaries, expressing endless love.
The past few days have been happy and relatively calm. I'm so grateful for all the comforting, wise comments you left earlier in the week - I read each and every one and gained strength from your words and experiences. Thank you.
In other news...
- It's Friday! How did that happen?
- Daniel is in Manila (Philippines) and today he visited the city's largest garbage dump where local kids are learning how to grow and sell their own food.
- I'm in the midst of a wardrobe purge. Stay tuned for a garage sale on instagram in the next few weeks. Reduce, reuse, recycle.
- I've been eating eggs every morning and I've noticed a big difference in my energy levels.
- The last few nights have been a little cool - a welcome relief.
- The house smells of eucalyptus and peppermint - a lovely mixture for your oil burner.
Have a lovely weekend, friends. See you on Sunday for 6/52.
Labels: simple parenting
Monday, February 03, 2014
out of focus children in mama and popa's garden (notice the crimson light flare - fascinating) We've been spending a few evenings there every week and it makes such a difference to my days. We pick our salad from the ground and the vines, enjoy a beautiful woodfire oven or bbq dinner and I return home with bathed, pyjama-clad little ones asleep in the car.
I have never been more challenged as a parent than what I am now. I knew that solo-parenting would be hard but there are so many things I didn't consider or expect. I never thought I would feel this vulnerable, I never thought Che would feel Daniel's absence so deeply.
The past three weeks have been emotionally charged and I'm doing my best to guide the children into a new rhythm, albeit temporary - much easier said than done. This new normal is rocky and I'm witnessing long, passionate displays of sadness and anger - usually directed at me. It's difficult to find that balance between discipline and comfort, to express my endless, wholehearted love but stick to my firm boundaries.
I've been encouraging Che to let go of his anger by running out in the garden instead of screaming at the top of his lungs. He says to me: "But mum, my anger can't come out of my feet, it needs to come out of my mouth." I admire his ability to express how and where he is feeling but tonight I realised that I need to make a few changes to ensure his anger isn't provoked. I feel like I've reached a point where I need to find some mama-bear fire instead of getting caught up in my vulnerability.
Later tonight I'll unplug the television (once Q&A is finished) and carry it into the garage - tough call but there's no denying that it's a catalyst for poor behaviour and unrealistic expectations. Over breakfast tomorrow I'll sit next to Che and talk about our house and family rules - what's acceptable and what's not (it's been too long since we last spoke about them). And later in the day I'll enlist the help of my village because...I surrender - I need all the parenting support I can get.
How do you encourage your children to express their anger? Am I completely nutty getting rid of the TV? I have nine weeks (maybe more depending on the filming schedule) to go till Daniel returns. I am breathing - deeply.
Labels: simple parenting
Thursday, January 23, 2014
the school series : a guide for mums
Che's first year of school was also my hardest year of motherhood to date. I don't say that to scare you, merely to be honest about how significant the change was for me. If you are anything like me, you will spend all your time and energy preparing your child for school without much consideration for your own experience or wellbeing. You'll ride the anticipation and novelty of the first few weeks with enthusiasm but before long you'll realise, the role of "school mum" is both demanding and exhausting.
It took me the better part of the year to find my feet, to navigate the new 5-day-a-week routine and to let go of a few of my parenting ideals. In retrospect it was an enormous learning curve and regardless of my struggles I now feel confident and positive in my role. As we prepare to embark on the new school year (grade 1 for us) I thought it best to share a few lessons I learned through kindergarten. I hope they help!
Realise that school is a new kind of normal - perhaps the hardest part about sending my first-born off to school was accepting that it was now the norm - for the next 15 years (or more!) of my life. The spontaneity of the toddler and pre-school years were behind us and our days were officially dictated by the bell. For a few months there I really grieved the loss of our carefree days and I wondered: "Why didn't anyone warn me about this?" I always heard stories about all the free time school offered mums but the reality was/is the complete opposite - I found I had less time. Recognise that it's a new stage of parenthood that takes some adjusting; you will feel like you're in a state of flux for a good few months. Feeling sad and wistful is ok - it will eventually lead to contentment as you embrace your new role and this new stage.
Learn to accept that school is the catalyst for a whole range of emotions - put simply, your child tries so hard to be good at school and when they get home they just let loose. This was particularly true for the first few months of school (and the last few weeks of every term). I learned to expect tears, tantrums, whinging, moaning and even a little bit of anger. It all stemmed from exhaustion - physical and emotional. The best way for me to deal with it was to be incredibly gentle, have little or nothing planned for our afternoons, give him a wholesome afternoon tea and serve dinner early.
Don't plan extra-curricular activities for the first six months of school - this is a completely personal choice but let me tell you, I was so relieved I had made this decision at the beginning of the year. It's not for everyone but it definitely served us well. It was a lovely feeling knowing that 'school' was the only thing we had on our kindergarten schedule.
Cancel homework (sometimes) - I was quite shocked to learn that homework was part of the kindergarten curriculum. Half-way through the first term Che came home with a reader, some writing and some sight words. I felt really conflicted about it at the time and questioned whether it was necessary. Most afternoons we got through it without much drama but on the days when exhaustion was overwhelming, Poet was needing my attention and it just seemed like too much, I cancelled it! However, every night we always encourage Che to read before bed. Nurturing a love of reading is far more important to us than memorising sight words.
Organise a school drawer - encouraging your child to get dressed in the morning (without your constant supervision) is one way to ease the stress of getting to school on time. I quickly realised that having school shirts in one drawer and shorts in another was not ideal (and frankly, it wasn't working for my dreamer of a child). So, the bottom drawer in the wardrobe quickly became the "school uniform" drawer and everything was placed in it - shirts, shorts, underpants, singlets, socks and jumper. His hat lives on the hooks in his room and his school shoes by the door.
Get up 30minutes (or more, if you can) before the children - this is a tough one if you've got a baby but I quickly learned that it was the best way for me to deal with school mornings. If I could be showered, dressed and have a cup of tea in hand by the time the kids woke up I felt like I was well on my way to having a relatively calm morning. On the days when we were running late I literally had to stop myself and repeat: "Running late to kindergarten is not the end of the world and it's definitely not worth the yelling and screaming." When you become a school mum it's really easy to become a shouty mum - we've all done it, we'll all do it, we can all decide that there's a better way to go about the mornings. A big part of getting up early is going to bed early - a strict bedtime ritual is essential for school mums!
Be sure of your parenting values and expect them to be challenged - a tough one, particularly in regards to computers and junk food. I was quite taken aback by the general complacency to junk food and sugar at school, especially considering that Che's school has a "healthy" canteen (and apparently it is healthy compared to other schools). I also came to realise that birthday cakes and lolly bags will make an appearance every week or two in the classroom and that by saying "No" the social implications are huge. So I did let go of a few of my ideals; he ate every single birthday cake that was shared in class and, if there was a lolly bag, he brought it home (to be put at the top of the pantry) - we agreed to that arrangement and as far as I know, he stuck by it. I fed him a good breakfast of porridge or eggs, packed healthy school lunches and never expected him to eat it all (kids are far too busy playing to be concerned with food). Computers are a huge part of school now and whilst I agree that they are a fabulous learning tool I don't think they need to be an everyday occurrence. When Che is on the computer he tenses up, he gets anxious and angry. We've set a limit to 2 x 30minute computer sessions a week - for us that's plenty (and yes, you will constantly hear: "But so-and-so get this and that and eats packet chips and gets a computer in his room!).
Volunteer at school but know that you don't need to do everything - reading groups, writing groups, maths groups, canteen, organising readers, craft afternoons, excursions and assemblies. If you wanted to you could be at school every single day of the week volunteering your time. My advice? Offer to help at one session a week and if you can't make it don't be too hard on yourself. You can't do everything and your child doesn't expect you to (well, maybe they do, but they'll soon learn that it's just not possible).
Embrace friendships with other school parents - this can be a tricky one if you're a little shy or nervous but rest assured, most school parents are in the same boat. Throughout kindergarten I formed the most beautiful friendships with women that I might not have met if it weren't for our children. It's reassuring to know that regardless of where I am, there will always be a warm, welcoming face waiting at the school gate for Che. Kindergarten mums are one of a kind; always eager for a chat, a complain and a coffee after school drop-off.
Good luck fellow school mums. It's a big step for everyone. Go gently.
Click here to read all my posts in The School Series.
Labels: simple parenting , the school series
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
when all else fails, escape to nature
When home gets too stuffy and the mess is overwhelming I get in the car and go. We don't have to drive far to find open space and I'm thankful for our local beach with its small waves and adequate shade. It was on this beach, early one morning just after Christmas, that Daniel and I agreed to this great adventure of his. Fast forward a fortnight and he's gone. He left yesterday morning; a quick yet sad goodbye and as he drove off we shouted: "See you soon!" How am I feeling? Relieved that the highly anticipated goodbye is over, slightly shocked by the reality of 12 weeks without him and incredibly comforted by the messages of support I've received here and via email. Thank you!
For the past few weeks I've been thinking, thinking...how am I going to do this? Everything that comes to mind has a common theme: simple. This is an opportunity for me to let go of my ideals and practise simplicity on every single level. And I know that if all else fails and I feel completely at a loss, there is the beach - where the ocean soothes, the sand inspires hours of play and the children don't fight.
So: get out, go explore (or just sit), immerse yourself in nature
Labels: simple parenting
Thursday, December 12, 2013
motherhood : to give you need to receive
theresa and mason (such a beautiful, wise little face) - early mornings at the beach
Thank you for your (often brutal) honesty on my "third baby" post last week. It was interesting to read such varied opinions; some of you found the third baby an easy addition whereas for others it really was/is hard, hard work.
The most humbling fact of all is that I have no idea what my experience will be. There are so many factors involved; most of which I cannot control. Having a baby is a giant leap of faith - yes, there will be challenges but the rewards are of the greatest and most blessed nature.
I wholeheartedly believe that my fears are valid, and I know that regardless of if and when I fall pregnant with a third those fears will probably be more profound. Nothing a bit of "letting go" can't fix, though. It's interesting that even in this phase of thinking-about-having-another-baby I come back to the words that I have heard during my first two pregnancies; the words I share three times a week in my yoga classes: the essence of conception, pregnancy and birth is surrender. And the same goes for motherhood. Being a muma is one big lesson in surrender because we really do just keep giving, letting go, and giving some more. It's not always graceful and we often resist but at the end of the day we realise - surrender is the only option.
It's universal law that you need to receive a little in order to give a lot but that equation is never very balanced for mothers. Last week I stayed in Sydney for the night by myself - the first time in four years(!). And it was glorious! I caught the train into the city, found a little table at a cafe in The Strand Arcade and had beautiful coffee and an amazing haloumi salad. Whilst there I people watched, enjoyed Nina Simone playing in the background and marvelled at the fact that I didn't need to help, console or reprimand anyone (or share my food). Then I shopped, had a mani/pani, caught the bus over to Manly and went to my work Christmas party where I danced till 1am (for the first time in about 6 years!). The next day involved breakfast at a cafe, a ferry ride, coffee with my brother, some Christmas shopping and a late afternoon train ride home.
When I walked in the door I felt like I'd been away for a week. It felt like I had been given a brand new dose of patience (thank goodness for that). Whilst away I promised myself that I wouldn't feel guilty for the indulgence; I deserved the break and I needed it - for my own wellbeing. I realised that I need to, on a regular basis, surrender to the urge to have me time. And if I do, everything else will be a little more balanced and much more possible. It might be a night away or an hour in a cafe, a yoga class or a solo swim in the ocean. Regardless of what it is I know it needs to be a regular occurrence; an opportunity I'll embrace before I travel the road of pregnancy, birth and babyhood again.
Years ago, when I worked in a bookstore, I met a mother of a toddler. For Christmas she had been given a handmade voucher from her husband which said: "Once a month, every month, for the next year, this voucher entitles you to a day by yourself, a lovely lunch out and a new book." So every month I saw her, alone, and watched as she relished her time spent perusing book shelves. An idea, perhaps?
I wholeheartedly believe that my fears are valid, and I know that regardless of if and when I fall pregnant with a third those fears will probably be more profound. Nothing a bit of "letting go" can't fix, though. It's interesting that even in this phase of thinking-about-having-another-baby I come back to the words that I have heard during my first two pregnancies; the words I share three times a week in my yoga classes: the essence of conception, pregnancy and birth is surrender. And the same goes for motherhood. Being a muma is one big lesson in surrender because we really do just keep giving, letting go, and giving some more. It's not always graceful and we often resist but at the end of the day we realise - surrender is the only option.
It's universal law that you need to receive a little in order to give a lot but that equation is never very balanced for mothers. Last week I stayed in Sydney for the night by myself - the first time in four years(!). And it was glorious! I caught the train into the city, found a little table at a cafe in The Strand Arcade and had beautiful coffee and an amazing haloumi salad. Whilst there I people watched, enjoyed Nina Simone playing in the background and marvelled at the fact that I didn't need to help, console or reprimand anyone (or share my food). Then I shopped, had a mani/pani, caught the bus over to Manly and went to my work Christmas party where I danced till 1am (for the first time in about 6 years!). The next day involved breakfast at a cafe, a ferry ride, coffee with my brother, some Christmas shopping and a late afternoon train ride home.
When I walked in the door I felt like I'd been away for a week. It felt like I had been given a brand new dose of patience (thank goodness for that). Whilst away I promised myself that I wouldn't feel guilty for the indulgence; I deserved the break and I needed it - for my own wellbeing. I realised that I need to, on a regular basis, surrender to the urge to have me time. And if I do, everything else will be a little more balanced and much more possible. It might be a night away or an hour in a cafe, a yoga class or a solo swim in the ocean. Regardless of what it is I know it needs to be a regular occurrence; an opportunity I'll embrace before I travel the road of pregnancy, birth and babyhood again.
Years ago, when I worked in a bookstore, I met a mother of a toddler. For Christmas she had been given a handmade voucher from her husband which said: "Once a month, every month, for the next year, this voucher entitles you to a day by yourself, a lovely lunch out and a new book." So every month I saw her, alone, and watched as she relished her time spent perusing book shelves. An idea, perhaps?
Labels: simple life , simple parenting
Monday, December 09, 2013
twenty-one | practising simplicity
My children are usually quite difficult on Christmas Day. And I wholeheartedly get it. The anticipation and excitement in the lead up is huge; they've slept lightly and risen early. They seem to experience the full range of emotions: elation, happiness, delight, disappointment, anger and sadness.
Early on in this parenting gig, Daniel and I decided that we would only have one celebration on Christmas day. Going from one set of Grandparents to another was just too much with a baby in tow - it made it stressful and exhausting, despite the fact that it was only a ten minute drive between houses. It's one of the best decisions we've made - both for the children and us (and our Christmas sanity). But still, emotions are high and patience is low.
In retrospect, my expectations of the children have been unrealistic around Christmas time, especially when it comes to gifts. You see, I want to teach them gratitude but I also want them to be honest. There's a part of me that expects them to absolutely love their gifts and be so very grateful for them, regardless of the fact that they get more presents on that one day than they do for the entire year. We keep it simple but still; they are surrounded by new toys and books - they don't know where to turn.
This year, if need be, we'll stop whatever we're doing to make sure our day is enjoyable. Presents have been kept to a minimum to ensure the overwhelm isn't too great and if I sense the onset of a tantrum I'll know it's time to step away from the crowd and seek a bit of quiet and one-on-one time (cue: reading books in bed with full bellies).
For us, the days after Christmas are always our favourites. We spend easy mornings at the beach, snack on left-overs and schedule a siesta every afternoon. There are no plans and no expectations; always a relief after the height of the busy season.
So: recognise that it's an overwhelming time for your children. If you make it easier for them you make it easier for yourself, too.
ps. a few readers have asked what presents the children are getting. Are you interested in a post about lovely, simple gifts I've found along the way?
Labels: practising simplicity , simple life , simple parenting
Wednesday, December 04, 2013
You see, I have a lot of fear surrounding the idea of another pregnancy. It's a new-to-me fear; one that has come as a bit of a surprise, especially considering my love of being pregnant, giving birth and tending to a baby. Just the thought of a first trimester is enough to make me want to wait a good while before planning for another little one. It probably doesn't help that three times a week I'm teaching pregnant women; yes, the beautiful belly and joyous kicks are enticing but the exhaustion, nausea and heat is a constant reminder: pregnancy is hard work and always demanding.
I talk about fear a lot in my prenatal classes; I come straight out and ask my students what they're scared of. There is always a wide range of answers: fear of pain, tearing, loss of independence, lack of sleep, birthing an unhealthy baby, not being able to breastfeed, not knowing how to tend to a newborn, etc. Once the fears have been recognised we work on letting go of them. Sometimes it takes months.
For me, there is also fear about the reality of life with three children. Most parents admit that the jump from two to three is a big one - you really notice it because, quite simply, you're outnumbered. I'm also worried about having a newborn and getting Che off to school, the cost of a growing family, how I'll balance work and motherhood and the imminent and everlasting mountain of washing (a frivolous worry but a worry all the same).
There's a part of me that feels selfish for having these fears, especially considering the amount of women who experience much heartbreak to fall pregnant and carry to full term. Regardless of my worries I'm grateful for the opportunity to wait and accepting of the fact that, at the end of the day, nature decides if and when.
If you have more than two children, did you find the jump from two to three overwhelming? I've also been thinking about the age gap conundrum - if I leave it much longer will the gaps be too big? Maybe I should just let go of worry and see what happens...
*on discussing another baby with my parents a few weeks ago my Mum was genuinely disappointed that I wasn't already pregnant. "Oh," she said. "I thought you would have been working on that in Bali."
Labels: simple life , simple parenting , third child
