Thursday, December 12, 2013
motherhood : to give you need to receive
theresa and mason (such a beautiful, wise little face) - early mornings at the beach
Thank you for your (often brutal) honesty on my "third baby" post last week. It was interesting to read such varied opinions; some of you found the third baby an easy addition whereas for others it really was/is hard, hard work.
The most humbling fact of all is that I have no idea what my experience will be. There are so many factors involved; most of which I cannot control. Having a baby is a giant leap of faith - yes, there will be challenges but the rewards are of the greatest and most blessed nature.
I wholeheartedly believe that my fears are valid, and I know that regardless of if and when I fall pregnant with a third those fears will probably be more profound. Nothing a bit of "letting go" can't fix, though. It's interesting that even in this phase of thinking-about-having-another-baby I come back to the words that I have heard during my first two pregnancies; the words I share three times a week in my yoga classes: the essence of conception, pregnancy and birth is surrender. And the same goes for motherhood. Being a muma is one big lesson in surrender because we really do just keep giving, letting go, and giving some more. It's not always graceful and we often resist but at the end of the day we realise - surrender is the only option.
It's universal law that you need to receive a little in order to give a lot but that equation is never very balanced for mothers. Last week I stayed in Sydney for the night by myself - the first time in four years(!). And it was glorious! I caught the train into the city, found a little table at a cafe in The Strand Arcade and had beautiful coffee and an amazing haloumi salad. Whilst there I people watched, enjoyed Nina Simone playing in the background and marvelled at the fact that I didn't need to help, console or reprimand anyone (or share my food). Then I shopped, had a mani/pani, caught the bus over to Manly and went to my work Christmas party where I danced till 1am (for the first time in about 6 years!). The next day involved breakfast at a cafe, a ferry ride, coffee with my brother, some Christmas shopping and a late afternoon train ride home.
When I walked in the door I felt like I'd been away for a week. It felt like I had been given a brand new dose of patience (thank goodness for that). Whilst away I promised myself that I wouldn't feel guilty for the indulgence; I deserved the break and I needed it - for my own wellbeing. I realised that I need to, on a regular basis, surrender to the urge to have me time. And if I do, everything else will be a little more balanced and much more possible. It might be a night away or an hour in a cafe, a yoga class or a solo swim in the ocean. Regardless of what it is I know it needs to be a regular occurrence; an opportunity I'll embrace before I travel the road of pregnancy, birth and babyhood again.
Years ago, when I worked in a bookstore, I met a mother of a toddler. For Christmas she had been given a handmade voucher from her husband which said: "Once a month, every month, for the next year, this voucher entitles you to a day by yourself, a lovely lunch out and a new book." So every month I saw her, alone, and watched as she relished her time spent perusing book shelves. An idea, perhaps?
I wholeheartedly believe that my fears are valid, and I know that regardless of if and when I fall pregnant with a third those fears will probably be more profound. Nothing a bit of "letting go" can't fix, though. It's interesting that even in this phase of thinking-about-having-another-baby I come back to the words that I have heard during my first two pregnancies; the words I share three times a week in my yoga classes: the essence of conception, pregnancy and birth is surrender. And the same goes for motherhood. Being a muma is one big lesson in surrender because we really do just keep giving, letting go, and giving some more. It's not always graceful and we often resist but at the end of the day we realise - surrender is the only option.
It's universal law that you need to receive a little in order to give a lot but that equation is never very balanced for mothers. Last week I stayed in Sydney for the night by myself - the first time in four years(!). And it was glorious! I caught the train into the city, found a little table at a cafe in The Strand Arcade and had beautiful coffee and an amazing haloumi salad. Whilst there I people watched, enjoyed Nina Simone playing in the background and marvelled at the fact that I didn't need to help, console or reprimand anyone (or share my food). Then I shopped, had a mani/pani, caught the bus over to Manly and went to my work Christmas party where I danced till 1am (for the first time in about 6 years!). The next day involved breakfast at a cafe, a ferry ride, coffee with my brother, some Christmas shopping and a late afternoon train ride home.
When I walked in the door I felt like I'd been away for a week. It felt like I had been given a brand new dose of patience (thank goodness for that). Whilst away I promised myself that I wouldn't feel guilty for the indulgence; I deserved the break and I needed it - for my own wellbeing. I realised that I need to, on a regular basis, surrender to the urge to have me time. And if I do, everything else will be a little more balanced and much more possible. It might be a night away or an hour in a cafe, a yoga class or a solo swim in the ocean. Regardless of what it is I know it needs to be a regular occurrence; an opportunity I'll embrace before I travel the road of pregnancy, birth and babyhood again.
Years ago, when I worked in a bookstore, I met a mother of a toddler. For Christmas she had been given a handmade voucher from her husband which said: "Once a month, every month, for the next year, this voucher entitles you to a day by yourself, a lovely lunch out and a new book." So every month I saw her, alone, and watched as she relished her time spent perusing book shelves. An idea, perhaps?
26 COMMENTS
Labels: simple life , simple parenting
This is such a lovely post, I find I am in constant need of me time and never seem to grasp it. Today I saw the health visitor and she asked me how long I'd felt quite flat for. I had been making an effort not to be so was surprised by her question. She talked, I cried, and realised I was in desperate need of a break. If I take a day for each year then a three day holiday sounds about right.The conversation led further and the question of depression came up. Is this what it leads to. Sometimes being a mum is not easy but having faith it will change and I will feel reenergised. x
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear that you're having a hard time, Lori. I think we are so deeply involved in our role as mothers that we (more often than not) do not prioritise our own wellbeing. I'm relieved that you have a supportive and compassionate health professional on your side. I hope you get that break very soon. Much love x
DeleteI'm asking for that voucher for Christmas. What a wonderful idea.
ReplyDeleteSurrender is something I have to practice everyday. Xx
I literally welled up at the thought of receiving a voucher like that for christmas.
ReplyDeleteNot sure why, but that last part brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderfully sweet thing.
ReplyDeleteI feel refreshed just reading about your time away!
ReplyDeleteRonnie xo
Wise words Jodi. Yesterday I had the morning off to visit the dentist and hairdresser, but in between I shopped and had a quiet coffee. I did return refreshed. I have been writing my birth story on the blog, and your word surrender is so apt. I surrendered everything, hopes, dreams, even my own body. xxx
ReplyDeleteSuch a thought-provoking post. As someone who has not yet embarked on the journey of motherhood, I am particularly cognizant of how I've been spending my free time (knowing that once baby comes -- things will undoubtedly change.)
ReplyDeleteRegardless, having time to ones self is extremely important—for reflection, growth, and the space to embrace change.
These words have struck into my soul and heart... I don't take any "me" time anymore, at least not lately, I can't cope with the guilt, it's been so long now that it feels natural not to allow myself a moment to be me simply me. Not the mother, not the wife, not the sister or the friend... I have surrender but to myself. something I'm not proud but reading your post has made me realise how important it is. Thanks Jodi again for your wise words x
ReplyDeleteJust tonight I had a conversation with my lovely man, the long and short of it being that I finally have come to admit that depression and moreso anxiety are very familiar creatures in my company. Me time, as it were, I surely feel is a crutial element to starting to get a handle on it. Vital, for all of us I'd say. Holly.x
ReplyDeleteI cried a little as I read this post. I am so emotionally spent and time poor at the moment, I am constantly waiting for the straw to break the camel's back. We've not only been dealing with the normal pressures of having a nearly two year old and an infant, but we are also helping to nurse my husband's father who is in the final stages of terminal cancer and may not see out the new year. If there was ever a time I need a day away, it's now. That said, it's not going to happen for a while, so I will continue to seek out moments of solitude throughout the day (babies sleeping at the same time!) and trying to practice yoga each morning.
ReplyDeleteI love the story about the lucky lady you met in the bookstore. It's my birthday on Monday, I think I might ask my husband for something like this.
Thanks for this post Jodi, it made me feel normal. Luna. x
"It's not always graceful and we often resist but at the end of the day we realise - surrender is the only option." The gates have opened and the tears are flowing. Just perfect and so incredibly timely. Thank you for your honesty in this post, Jodi. I think - judging by my own reaction and the reaction of your readers above - you bring up a topic that weighs heavily on most mamas. It's nice to know we're not alone.
ReplyDeleteAnd cheers to your recent night away to recharge. It sounds delightful! x
Oh my I hope that lady cherished those vouchers, what a wonderful man! And what a great idea!
ReplyDeletedid you make it to gorman? they have so many billowy beachy dresses i'm longing for… that and an afternoon to myself x
ReplyDeleteWORD.
DeleteWell if that voucher is not the most caring, thoughtful, wonderful gift I dont know what is!
ReplyDeleteMy husband does 4:1 FIFO work so time to myself is non existant. For the most part I am Ok with it because when he is home I just want to soak him in & be together as a whole family unit. I wont lie there are days when i think just to run to the shops on my own would be lovely but for the most part I know this stage in life doesn't last as long as we think it does ( the joy of having such a huge gap between baby 2 &3 is knowing that each hard/horrible stage passes) & before long my babies wont need me as much & I will have time to myslef again.
Thank you for this honest words!
ReplyDeleteJodi, love your post. My mother asked me what she could give my partner and I for Christmas to which I replied 'an afternoon of your time.' I have three children (9, 6 and 3) and I have to say that although my youngest is ever so precious I know that my patience is not what it was. My older two operate at a different pace and find it hard to accommodate a little one who sometimes needs to stop. I think you know your own limits, as I can't imagine having a fourth or a fifth.
ReplyDeleteI love this post Jodi.
ReplyDeleteMotherhood is hard shit (sorry for being rude)
and taking time from the kids is very important !
I have 3 kids and it's hard getting out, but when I do I totally feel like I have energy do it anything afterwards.
Keep it up and I say that you should wait for the third baby. You need time for yourself... and having a another baby gets a little busy if you know what I mean.
Lots of love from Canana.0
-Carling xo
I want to find words to tell you how much I like your words, how touching and honest they are, but mine are failing me. I hope you have the merriest holiday, that you find time to yourself throughout the year, that you are able to receive so you may give.
ReplyDeletelove this post! may i ask where you buy your mala beads? beautiful.
ReplyDeleteHi Chloe, I got them from http://www.laxmibookshop.com.au/.
DeleteThank you x
Oh a night on my own sounds simply glorious! Glad you enjoyed yours
ReplyDeleteSometimes I'm surprised at just how little it takes me for me to feel recharged. I think it's incredible that I can renew my energy for parenting after only a few short hours away. Kellie xx
ReplyDeleteAhh Jodie, if only I could share with you how life-changing your advice was to me several months ago as I was recovering after a sad time in hospital. Life has taken a turn. Things are looking up and decidedly rosy.
ReplyDeleteBella xx
Justin (Jarvis's father) will often take time out for himself. Motorbike rides, coffee, shooting festivals, two weeks volunteer work in Cambodia, two weeks holiday in Hong Kong. But why do I never do the same? I cannot bring myself to leave my children, I want to grab ever moment with them as I know how fast they grow up. Yet I kow if I took time out for me (even if it was to read a book) I would be a better parent. How do you learn to relax and let go of it all?
ReplyDelete