Wednesday, November 04, 2015

big age gaps - pros and cons

We planned relatively big age gaps knowing that at some stage we would be dealing with three very different stages of childhood at the same time.

It's one of those situations that you don't tend to give much thought when your firstborn comes along. But then the third arrives and your oldest turns eight and all of a sudden you're changing nappies one minute and discussing playground rivalry the next. And in the middle is a pre-schooler singing and dancing and pushing buttons and finding her place.

Somedays it all goes along swimmingly and others it really does require immense amounts of patience.

Perhaps the most challenging thing about the gaps that we do have is the amount of time Percy spends in the car, going to and fro between home and school and swimming and drama and dancing. And he hates the car. In fact, I would class a baby screaming in the car as one of the most stressful parenting experiences there is. Just last week I gripped the steering wheel, exhaled loudly and then joined in a rather tense rendition of The Lion Sleeps Tonight in an attempt to calm the noise. Did it work? Of course not. Was Percy perfectly fine when we got into the driveway? Yes. Being in-and-out of the car also makes for disrupted sleep patterns which certainly has contributed to Percy's relatively short day-time sleeps.

But as frustrating as interrupted sleep and loud car journeys can be, they are the only cons in this scenario. Our big age gaps (there's 3years 9months between Che and Poet and 3years 7months between Poet and Percy) have been perfect for our family and I really wouldn't have it any other way. Percy may have to accompany me to school drop-off and pick-up most days but he also gets a lot of one-on-one time with me. And when the big kids get home? Oh, the delight! He is cuddled and kissed and soothed, there is always someone building him a block tower and he always gets a story read to him, even if it's not the book of his choice.

Personally, these large age gaps have afforded me the time and space to build my career as a work-from-home writer and photographer, something that would definitely have been more difficult if I had of had a two in nappies at once, for instance. I also know myself and my body well - I needed to experience a period of independence once I weaned before I fell pregnant again. I needed to regain some energy and spend some time nurturing my self - for everyone's sake (funnily enough, Chinese Medicine believes that the ideal period between birth and the next conception to be three years).

Percy will start school the year that Che starts high school (hold me, that's going to be big) and if we do have a fourth, I'll have one in pre-school, too. I know, too, that the mental and emotional parenting will be so much more demanding than it is right now. It's something I come back to when toying with having another baby - can I juggle the social and emotional demands of a tween, a school girl, a preschooler and a newborn? How can Daniel and I make it work?

Growing a family is very much about what your heart desires. And yes, my heart longs for another babe. But I continue to remind myself to look forward and consider the logistics of a large family, the juggle of work and motherhood, the demands of siblings spread over ten years.

I'd love to hear about your chosen age-gaps. How do they work? What has been the most challenging stage so far?

also - the age gap conundrum and on having a third baby (and then, one year on).


29 COMMENTS

  1. Our two are almost exactly three years and seven months apart.
    I feel very similarly to you in that it took me what I suppose is considered a long time to feel ready for another baby...and that our family was ready for another baby. Also I wasn't ready to share the time that I had with my firstborn...I am forever grateful that we had that time just the two of us. Likewise I love that he is at kindy three days a week and so I get significant one on one time with my second born.
    I really waited until something within me told me I was ready...and it has worked perfectly for us!

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    1. the intuitive mother "clock" is powerful, isn't it?! x

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  2. Beautifully written, as always. I come with the perspective from the child – my mother had my brother and I about 3 years apart, but it wouldn't be for another 8–10 years that my sisters would come along. I was so excited about having younger siblings to play 'teachers' with. My relationship with my sisters is very different from what I share with my brother; I find it's a lovely combo of half sibling, half guardian. It was so special watching the babies grow in my mama's belly. The anticipation of their birth was exciting, but a little nerve-wracking – I remember rocking my mama's chair as she laboured, before she headed off to the hospital (and getting a half day off school to visit the new bubs!). But the pride in my two young sisters was like nothing else. I loved watching them learn and grow, and yes, my brother and I had fun teaching them some funny phrases! We entertained the girls, carried them, helped them and loved them.

    My relationship with my sisters has evolved and changed as we've transitioned through many stages of growing up. Now I am 28 and my sisters are finishing high school and starting uni, and I find that we're forming more adult friendships now. They are still my little sisters to watch over, but we have a rich relationship now where they double as amazing companions. I'm also pregnant with my first child, and it is the thought of my sisters as young babies that gets the mama-hormones racing – I have a taste of what motherhood will be like thanks to the pride and delight I had in those gorgeous little sisters of mine.

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    1. Lucy, thank you so much for this insight. It's so rare that the "child's perspective" is shared within the comments..you really have shined a light on the beauty of sibling relationships x

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    2. I have a similar grouping of close-born and later-born siblings... roughly 2.5 years between each of the four oldest, and then a monster gap (15 and 18 years) with the youngest. As Lucy says, quite different relationships... because of my age with the youngest there was a lot more mothering/aunt type interactions. I suspect these 'second family' (third family, fourth family) gaps are a lot more common these days.

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  3. I am really feeling this at the moment. 8 years between Maggie and Daisy and 5 between Harper and Maggie (with almost 3 between the big girls). It IS a challenge...last night I was exhausted putting the baby down for the night (well 3 hours at least) then dealing with a MAJOR tantrum and shitfight with the 6 year old and then dealing with tears from the almost 9 year old about BIG kid stuff. Whilst it IS wonderful it's also full on. I hadn't even thought about it until I read this. Thank you Jodi x

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    1. The big kid stuff is BIG. We've been dealing with it this week, too. And it's just the beginning, really. It's time like this I really seek the advice from mums with older kids x

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    2. If you know of any Mum blogs with older children, that dispense sensible and trusted advice, I would be extremely grateful if you could share details!

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  4. I have a five year old daughter who started kindergarten this fall, and an 11 week old son. I feel your pain about the car! My daughter absolutely hated it as a young babe, and I was so worried that I'd have the same experience with my son (we have a long commute to get her to and from school everyday). Luckily the boy doesn't seem to be bothered by car time, at least not yet. We started trying for our second just shortly after my daughter turned two, but it ended up taking about 2.5 years and 2 rounds of IVF to get pregnant the second time. Although it wasn't the plan, the 5 year age gap is working out really well for us. My daughter is old enough to understand that at times she needs to wait, because baby can't. But, he also sleeps a lot, which means I still have some time to spend reading to her and helping her with homework every day.

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  5. My kiddos are exactly 3 years apart, and I suppose I take some comfort knowing that a baby screaming in the car whilst shuttling the older child around and less than ideal nap scenarios are par for the course! The baby wailing in the car is definitely one of the most stressful things. I'm glad that we waited to have a three year gap because it's nice to have a kid who is a bit independent.

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  6. We have a 6 year old, 4 year old and 21 month old and wow, I really feel the demands of three differing and very legitimate needs, most days. However, I can feel it getting easier as Mr 21 months gains more independence. It was especially hard in those early days when I had to wake him for Monti/preschool or school pick up. The older two adore having a younger brother and they do gain so much from one another. I think our age gaps have worked for us, maybe they are a tad too close, maybe not? As much as I adore little babies and breast feeding, we are done with three perfect kids. I feel we would be stretching ourselves too far to love, nurture, challenge and support four kids.

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  7. Such an eloquently written post, Jodi. One of the reasons you have us all coming back. There is only 23 months between my two (they are now almost 2 and almost 4) and I will be the first to admit that the first 12 months with essentially two babies was tough. Now though, they are the best of friends and I am loving the sibling bond that has developed. I think my career has most certainly suffered, having the kids so close as I was only able to work 5 months between them. I have been at home now for 2 1/2 years and I feel so out of touch. I love being at home though and wouldn't change it for the world. I am definitely feeling that pull for a new baby now as my "baby" becomes more independent but as I am yet to give up feeding I am not sure how far in the future that will be. The gap will certainly be more than the first two so it will be interesting to navigate all the new challenges. Joelle x

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  8. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic. It has been heavy on my mind for some time now. I am mama to an almost 10 year old and a 6 1/2 year old. They are just over 3 years apart and each others biggest allies. I have always longed for a 3rd but due to one thing or another: moving, difficulty in our marriage, I have stalled or hesitated or at times even changed my mind. Also, I miscarried in the late spring of this year and after being so hopeful and anticipatory and then so let down and full of grief, it has been hard to make a go again. I do think that we will try for a 3rd, sooner than later, even though I feel so much older and my kids are so big. It is interesting to watch how fear moves in me. Anyhow, thank you for this. Your writing is lovely.

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  9. Hi Jodie

    My babes are aged 26, 22, 18 and almost 10.

    I had to laugh at your car experience with Master Percy. My youngest did the same, everytime we got in the car she screamed and screamed and screamed, whereas the former 3 all went straight to sleep.
    I can remember thinking whoa, what is going on. We had to be in the car so often due to bus runs and extra curricular activities for each child, it was an absolute nightmare for the first 18 months. Interestingly this small person of mine has lots of sensory issues and at a guess the car and sensation of it exacerbated her sensory perception.

    I became a grandma 10 days ago, and am loving the experience of being a 'youngish' grandma at 46.
    As each child entered school another came along, this has worked out beautifully for me.

    My sister had 3 children under the age of 5, and this worked for her.

    Whichever way, you just get through it.

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  10. My kids are 15.5,12.5,2.5 & 1.5 years old. The almost three year age gap between the eldest two was perfect. The 12 month age gap between the third & fourth kid is not ideal at all. In fact I'd say it's been the hardest thing I've ever done. Parenting a teenager, a tween, a non sleeping one year old & a newborn with a husband who was working a 4:1 FIFO roster pushed me to my limits. We all survived but there were times I questioned my sanity.
    Now that we are 18 months on is say it's harder still. Mainly because I'm dealing with a lot of teenage issues alongside two non sleeping toddlers, one who has a speech delay & I'm finding it haaaaaard to meet everyone's needs. I could be talking exams or why sombodies girlfriend can't sleep over while I'm changing nappies. Or I'm trying to help with homework while encouraging two little people to sit at the table & eat.
    But within all chaos there are many laughs. Sometimes it feels like we are two families in one ( & I've had MANY people ask if they all have the same father. They do) & I worry how they'll all gel as they get older but mostly I just go with the flow. When you have that many kids you can't help but be carried along with them.

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  11. I have three years between #1 and #2 and then nearly 4 between #2 and #3.
    I am tired of doing the school runs, the endless annual school events it's been 15 years since the oldest started school and the youngest still has three years to go. The one on one time when they were smaller was great, as was the one in nappies at a time. The school events for pre-school, middle school and high school were less fun.

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  12. It is all about teamwork and the children learning about the beauty of give and take, maybe more so when a big age gap is in play. My children are nineteen, eleven and five and honestly speaking they get on beautifully (most of the time) and sacrifice just enough in return for a whole lot of love and respect. The fact my husband chose to leave us six months ago - yes, it's been a hell of a year - has stirred up the amazing togetherness these children share. I am so proud of them for pulling together.

    Imagine one in preschool, one starting a music specialised secondary school and the eldest at university. I've had to learn a lot about flexibility!

    Stephanie

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  13. Remind me to come back and read this?
    We're only in our infancy of parenting, really, Eleanor is 16 months old. My parents had the cookie cutter boy/girl nuclear family, two years apart, happy as clams...then seven years later came my sister...then almost three years later me! Most siblings growing up all seemed to be two years apart, it seemed to be the 'standard', but I felt that three years between my sister and I was still extremely close. We did grow up somewhat as two separate families though, the teenagers and 'the little girls', and as my older siblings went to boarding school at 15 I can't remember living with them really (they're 10 and 12 years older than me). In contrast, my husband's parents had a similar situation - boy/girl, two years apart...then TWELVE years later along came Matt! Unlike my family though he is the lone wolf at the bottom of the pack. But both of us loved having such older siblings, teenagers when we were quite young, then young adults for most of our childhood. It's another set of older role models/parental types. For us growing up it worked perfectly, you'd have to ask our parents about that though! My sisters girls are 16 months apart, then number three there is an almost four year age gap. She says she just can hardly remember the second child as a baby. Although now at almost 9 and 8 it's great. My brothers girls are five years apart and that has it's ups and downs also.

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  14. It's funny, there are three years between my brother and I and we aren't close. I would always watch siblings who were closer in age get along better than what I did/do with my brother. I'd always wanted a family that had a close age gap so that they could not only be siblings, but best friends when they were older. There is 2 years and 5 months between my first two and only 17 months between my youngest two. Right now I have a 5, 2 and 1 year old and it is busy and exhausting. There are pros and cons for having kids close together and far apart. What matters most is that no matter the age gap, everyone learns to get along and love each other.

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  15. In a few years, I will send the oldest to college, have one in high school, one in middle school, one finishing up grade school, and...one in preschool. Not at all planned, it took those years in between to get pregnant, and then there were little surprises along the way (which, after all the trying to pregnant were a little more than surprising). But it is a bit amazing. I have time alone with the baby now, which is such a joy after all the chaos of many little ones at home. And after school there is always someone to help with the baby, and the oldest can now successfully put the youngest to bed and is becoming an excellent baby sitter. Plus, I think it is good for all of them--not just the skills they are learning but all that love...makes my heart so full!

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  16. I too come from a child's perspective. My brother and I are three years apart and I am both the oldest and only girl. It was interesting the dynamics in our household because my brother and I were always raised very much as individuals. There wasn't really any sibling rivalry. When we were young we got along beautifully and as we grew up, our lives ventured to two very different routes. My mom always jokes that it's like having three only children. I think in a lot of respects we act that way as well. I was 13 and my brother was 10 when our youngest brother was born. I was in a unique position because of the age difference. I was really there as a second mother to him and we have always had a very special bond between us. My two brothers however, were very much brothers. My mom was raising a baby and a strong willed teenager at the same time. I think the biggest take away for me was that you cannot know or predict special needs children. My youngest brother is special needs. Thankfully it's fairly mild, but it has been a long and exhausting road; and is one that will keep him probably living at home his whole life. He is by far the light of everyone's life that he graces and truly special. While not terribly common, I think that is the one thing most people never think or consider because of course you never want to have a child that isn't perfectly whole and healthy and I'm sure it feels like jinxing it if you consider those possibilities when planning a family. It has taught us all the value of patience and of living each day in the present moment. Taught us about all the ways in which you can use diversion tactics to mitigate tantrums or meltdowns. And about true and pure happiness.

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  17. My two children are 19 months apart. (One year apart in school.) And I have to say that, for me, that was ideal. They were almost at the same stage all the way along. So, same bed times, same rules, same amount of after school activities, etc. The only down side to it all is that the empty nest came very quickly (they're both away at university, now).

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  18. I found this post very interesting, Jodi, especially because I have been thinking a lot about sibling age gaps recently. My first daughter is about to turn two and I had hoped to have a two year age gap between my first and second. For me, two feels so far away from babyhood, and I miss having a newborn's needs to tend to! Sadly, we lost a baby earlier this year, and there would've been two years between them. I am now pregnant again, so will have a 2.5yr gap...from the perspective of the family I grew up in, my parents had four children over ten years (boy, girl, boy, girl) and growing up, I thought nothing of the age gaps. However, I was very conscious when I left home for uni (I'm number two), my sister was not yet a teenager. So I missed out on nurturing a relationship with her throughout her adolescence and I still feel sad about that. (I'm now 31 & she is 23). I know my parents felt ready to have their home back to themselves after 30 years of having all or some of us living there! I find sinking age gaps & family dynamics so fascinating!

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  19. We have an apparently full-blown adolescent 11.5 year old, an 8.5 year old and a 1.5 year old. We have fairly flexible schedules, a grandma closeby and spend very little time in the car so baby has had the luxury of a less disrupted routine. The big gap worried me but it's been wonderful having the two older ones quite independent and helpful, and having evening times to spend with them when baby is in bed, not to mention the lovely relationship they have with their baby brother. There have been challenging moments but I don't feel like we've hit a challenging stage yet, and to be honest I think we may have fluked the perfect age gaps for our family, especially now that a new cousin is on his/her way for some little person company for baby. I feel like another child would throw it all out of balance, but that's probably because my heart doesn't desire another. Your heart's desire can also evolve - I always thought I would like four, but that's no longer where I am.

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  20. I come from a family with small age gaps* and I had 3 kids between Poet and Che... so I can only really know what small is like. And it's very tiring when they are little, but oh so good when they become a 'unit' when bigger. x

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  21. Dear Jodi, thank you for this post. I have a 15 months old, and the subject of the "perfect" age gap occupies my mind allot.
    I would LOVE a post on how you manage to juggle taking care of your babies and maintaining a career! Have you used daycare or waited until preeschool age? I live in Denmark, where most families choose to let their babies be in institutions from a very early age and for many hours. To me that feels just wrong, but I also realize I need and want to be able to build a career - even though I'm a mother ;) I still have my toddler home with me...

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  22. I have four siblings, and Mom had all five of us very close together. I feel like it has been such a gift to us. We've played alongside each other forever. Now we're all adults, and still the best of friends. We are never lonely! If anything, we wish there were even more of us! Now I've got five (close together) children of my own, and watching them grow and play together, I know they are so lucky to have each other. I may have said this in a comment before, but I have noticed when in public with my children, elderly men and women often comment the we are so lucky and blessed to have so many children... They wish they'd have had more. It's the younger folks that shake their head and say we're crazy. I prefer to learn from the elderly, as we move forward in parenting. It's hectic, chaotic, and a sacrifice to have many children, but I know we will never regret any of our children. And they will be thankful for their siblings more and more as they grow older.

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  23. I wanted a small age gap but my cycle did not return while I was breastfeeding, so I weaned my first when he was 17 months. Three losses later (plus some time waiting due to work commitments), I ended up with a 3 and a half year gap, and I love it. I won't consider less than a two and a half year gap if we have a 3rd, and I know now that things don't always go the way you plan them... My littlest is 14 months and still feels like a baby to me.

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  24. I always wanted a 2 year age gap, because it's what I have with my brothers: when my sister was born, I was 4 and my brother was 2.
    And so I did: I have a almost 3 year old and a 10 month baby. It's been easy until now, because the baby has started to be more active, so this is really the most challenging time so far. The oldest boy is requesting lost of attention, wanting mummy all the time, while the baby 'needs' mummy all the time. Sometimes it's really hard but I keep reminding myself that it's only a phase and everything it's fine and tomorrow will be another day. Sometimes I find myself carrying the 2 boys at once, how is that possible at all...
    Anyway, I really really want another baby but I will wait a bit longer, maybe 3 or more years, so I can have one in school, one toddler and one baby.

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