Thursday, November 27, 2014

on having a third baby - one year on

when it comes to accessories, Poet firmly believes that "more is more"

It's been a year since I wrote "on having a third baby" and in that time it has become one of the most popular posts I've ever published. What is it about the third baby that causes such angst and deliberation for women? If I could take one guess, it's a simple case of mathematics - with three kids you're outnumbered (and by the third you're definitely feeling tired). But there must be more to it than that. No doubt those of you with three or more children are smirking now; filled with the wisdom that only comes from experience and knowing.

I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant and whilst many of the fears that I discussed last year have since dissipated there are still niggling worries that tend to surface at vulnerable times. Whilst I'm very grateful that we have relatively big age gaps between our children (3years and 9months between Che and Poet, 3years and 7months between Poet and baby) I'm well aware that school and pre-school commitments do not bode well with the newborn haze. Then there is, of course, the reality of working with a new baby; the juggle will become more complicated - there's an extra ball and I've only got two hands. 

But the past few weeks have taught me some profound life lessons and I'm holding tight to them as we venture into this new stage of family life. When we first discovered that our house was going on the market and that moving was imminent, I was wracked with worry and fear. Everyone told us that the rental market was an unpleasant place to venture, that houses were overpriced and we'd just have to take what we could get (especially considering we wanted to be settled before Christmas). I was strongly resisting the reality that lay ahead and spent a good few days feeling anxious and miserable. In that time Vanessa emailed me and her simple words had a lasting impact: 

change can be exciting and thrilling if we ease on the resistance and let it flow

I consciously let go of all that ugly resistance and three days later we found an ideal house; the next day our application was approved. 

Growth and change is occurring within me and soon a baby will be born; our third-born, the one that we've been talking about for a good few years now. I'm accepting of the fact that I will rarely, if ever, get to the bottom of the washing pile. I know that we can all survive on eggs and toast for dinner and that running late to school is perfectly normal and acceptable. There will be work and deadlines and emails but there will also be long breastfeeding sessions, nappy changes and afternoon catch-up naps - a perpetual juggle and self-care will be priority (although personal space will be non-existent).

So tell me, mums of three plus, how can I make it all possible? I'd love to know what helped you in that first year. But please don't suggest a thermomix, it's not and probably won't ever be, in my budget.  


23 COMMENTS

  1. My third born had all his day sleeps in the Ergo, as his then 2 year old sister would climb into his cot and gently cover him with baby wipes. I knew where he was, he was safe, I could just do a little bounce and resettle him, life continued while he slept (housework, cooking, outings, drop off/pick up, swim lessons). And he easily transitioned to sleeping on his own mattress at the age of 12mths.

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  2. I was looking forward to an easy second baby and then found out I was having twins, surprise!
    I love having three, I'm one of three and I think its a really great dynamic. My main concern in that exhausting first year was that my big girl didn't get lost in the mix, and she didn't. We muddled through it the five of us together, somehow, and you will too :-)

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  3. I promise I didn't smirk! ;)
    I don't own a thermomix and we made our way through all three babies before purchasing our first clothes dryer when #3 was four months old, in the thick of Melbourne winter - all those bibs and burp cloths.. why didn't we think of that sooner?! Ruby wasn't yet 3.5 when Eliot arrived, people thought we were nuts!
    I think third-borns are inherently easy going babies - because they have to be! Getting carted here and there, to pick ups and drop offs.. lots of noise and love too! I remember walking into many a kindy pick up or drop off with Eliot at the breast - and not caring! Because the luxury of no clock to watch like with #1 and #2 was long gone. It will be easy and hard, a new normal - and you will be wonderful x

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  4. was anxious about three children but it's been fantastic in a busy way! Our three are 5, 3 and 9 months. Our tula carrier has been great for school and monti drop offs and pick ups. Negotiating a pram through a classroom doesn't work well I found! I tend to do housework at night and make school lunches, pack bags and sort uniforms, etc so there's no panic in the morning. I also shower in the evenings- one less thing to do before school. Our bub has long afternoon sleeps and I have to wake him most days for school pick ups. He never cries or complains but I really don't like doing it! So if anyone can assist you with collecting older children, that may help. My daughter goes to child care once a week so I have one on one time with the baby. I think it's been important to us as it's helped me catch up on sleep or housework, appointments, etc. We are just starting to focus on our relationship again and aiming to have an evening out together once a month. I found it easy to get a bit lost in caring for kids and not ourselves. I have been so happy with how my older two love and entertain our youngest. And my eldest boy has definitely grown in empathy and kindness due to his little brother. I hope they always have a special bond. I really feel going from 1 child to 2 was harder. There is more work with three but I think you are busy anyway! I have had to let go of the house not being how I'd like it but I know in time it will get easier. All the very best.

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  5. I had my third child last year and now I'm expecting my fourth! When this baby arrives I'll have a 7, 4 and 2yr old (well I'm due on the youngests birthday so he'll be a bit before or after 2!)

    I worked a bit when I just had one child, but once the second came along, it was no longer a priority for us. We've made the decision to live simply on one income (& my husband is a kitchen hand). We've also made the decision to homeschool (after a horrible prep year) and I'm so relieved I won't have to navigate the school run with a baby again.

    Of course our decisions aren't for everyone, and we sure don't get to go on big holidays or buy lots of stuff, but what we've gained in our family far exceeds that anyway!

    Best wishes with your third!

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  6. I certainly won't tell you to buy a thermomix. Out of my budget too :-)
    I think you've already got a great mind set for what lies ahead with three. As you said, you'll never get to the bottom of the washing pile, there will always be dishes to do, books to read, conflicting schedules and conflicting needs. You will sometimes feel like you can't give all that you'd like to, but that's OK. You will have three gorgeous children and you won't be thinking of the work you didn't do, or the holiday you didn't go on, when you're on your death bed. You'll just be feeling so grateful for having the blessings of three children. xxx PS Loving all your posts about this

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  7. Jodi, I agree with everyone's comments above. Having three plus is hard work but you will get on with it and cope just as we all did when baby number two arrived. Believe me, everything fits into place so quickly and one day it will be hard to remember life as four. Standards of course have to slip, the priority is that the family is looked after, cared for and happy; the rest comes after. In the beginning I found a baby-carrying scarf a lifesaver, it felt like a second skin and was indispensable on school mornings. My third fell asleep almost as soon as he was wrapped onto me so I had hands free to get the younger two ready then help them once at school to remove their coats etc. I could get things done while baby slept. And it's true, the third is often an easy-going baby, no choice!

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  8. I can't comment on life with three, as I only have two, but I think we all adapt to our circumstances. It might take a little time, but we find our own normal. It sounds like you are mentally prepared anyway, I'm sure everything will come naturally!

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  9. Baby-carrying scarf, lots of food cooked and put in the freezer during last weeks of pregnancy and most of all a good mix of organization and flexiblity: just breathe and smile when things are not as you planned them. And you'll see: third ones are so so sweet.

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  10. There is something special about third babies! I know I can't offer a guarentee but mine and so many I know seem to just be little rays of sunshine, going with the flow (because they have to), fitting in and just being an absolute pleasure. With two you are already busy, the third doesn't seem to make much difference. Excited for you :)

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    1. Here is a post I wrote about our transition, actually! http://livinglovinglaughingtogether.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/the-family-numbers-game-on-going-from.html

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  11. I just had my fourth in March. Four has upped the ante quite a bit. We were homeschooling my oldest two, but, at least for now, I had to stop that for my own sanity. Three was difficult at times. Since I was homeschooling when #3 came along, I did have to hire someone to help me some mornings so I could be present with lessons. Where it gets hard is trying to juggle time for yourself (first thing to go), time for work (I work from home so that get's tricky since I appear to "be there" more, even when I need to work), time for spouse (sometimes difficult when you are very tired and "touched out" a lot) and, now that my two oldest are in gymnastics and ballet, time to get all four kiddos out the door so I can take big bro and sis to their extracurriculars. Ha! It's a juggle. It can be tricky, but, with all things, time makes it easier. I'm getting better at it. I wouldn't change anything. Fortunately my fourth (still a baby of course) is an absolute delight and so easy going. #3 was an incredibly easy baby too. We will not discuss his toddler disposition though. LOL. :)

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  12. I went straight from one to three! I missed out on the two children stage and now have 3 children under 3 (a 2 year age gap between my son and twin girls). Surprisingly, to me and most people we meet, we're doing really well. We have an accidental routine that we have fallen in to and things are going along swimmingly...for the most part.

    The hardest part for me is when they are all crying at once and I'm flittering from one to the other, to the other, for hours! Those nights are exhausting and overwhelming. I really miss time to myself, I need it, so find myself staying up late when everyone else is in bed just to have a moment alone. This is usually at the expense of sleep so it's not ideal but I need my time alone!

    But I love having three children. I love that they have each other. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't shake my head in disbelief that I made them all (with a little help from my partner). They're so beautiful and so funny; totally worth the poo on the carpet and stealthily vomited milk down my back.

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  13. I have recently discovered your blog and love your philosophy. I have 3 girls, 7, 4 and 9 months. Life is busy with 2 at school and a baby, my husband is away at least one week a month and my parents are 4 hours drive away (and my father is currently ill and in and out of hospital) by in-laws are in NZ (I am in UK). I say this to set the scene. Nothing prepared me from the jump from one to two. Two to Three is much easier. Also, I didn't try and do it all with 3. I spent the first 2 weeks in bed. I didn't go out, said yes to neighours help with childcare, lunch brought over and cups of coffee on the bed. That put me on such a good footing for the next few months. It isn't all easy, I have had to learn to ask for help and accept it and sometimes, like today, rely on the school mums swooping in to pick me up and sort me out. I am lucky to be in such an amazing village. Make sure you give yourself time (oh, and get your hair cut before baby arrives. Mine was last cut 15 months ago! Thanks for sharing your life through this platform x

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  14. I have a 4, 3 and 1 year old. The thing that worked best for me was setting up a port a cot in the lounge room It meant that at any time I could pop little Isis in their safe (sometimes in her rocker in the cot) while I deal with whatever calamity was going down. I also set up expectations with my other kids. Even if little Isis was screaming, I'd rush around and get the big kids sorted first so that once I was feeding, they knew I wasn't getting up again until Isis was finished. Also Weet-Bix is a legitimate dinner. It fills bellies, is easy and the kids can do it. Having three children is brilliant. (The washing involved is not.)

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  15. I'm stopping at 2 but I have plenty of friends with 3. I think trying to make some one on one time with each of the older ones has really helped, be it a quick milkshake after school where it can be arranged or some play time whilst the baby naps. But expect chaos in the early months - all my friends have said that!

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  16. Jodi I know you'll do just wonderful! Vanessa's words ring true with accepting your new life with another baby as well. Your mindset is perfect. The only way it is overwhelming is if we set too high of standards for ourselves, and if we are not accepting of what comes our way. When I was expecting number three, I heard from so many Mums how difficult it was to transition to three. I even had friends apologize when they heard I was expecting. By the time I was in my third trimester, I was a ball of anxiety, worrying about how I'd possibly handle a third baby. My number three has been by far my most crabby and difficult baby, and I truly believe my anxiety over the simple fact that she was number three had a huge impact on her happiness (or should I say lack of). When I had number four, I thought well, it can't be worse than the last one (and we survived!), and you know what? Number four has been a dream. Nothing but therapy. In fact, we've enjoyed our fourth so very much, we are expecting number five, and we are overjoyed! Our oldest is Che's age, so our home is super busy, but our life is so full of color. And there is just nothing like those sweet little new babies! Some people think we're crazy, for wanting more, but what I've seen is that elderly people feel quite the opposite. In public, elderly people look at our family almost longingly, and tell us we are so blessed, and so lucky. On days that feel chaotic, I remember those lonely old people, who have one child who lives across the country. I know having more babies is something we'll never ever regret. Even if it means we have to give up some of our own selfishness for the time being, to raise them.

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  18. My boys are 10, 7 and 5. I remember being extremely nervous during the last pregnancy : I wanted this 3rd baby but how will I do while I wanted to do my best for the other two. I had to rely on my husband a lot to take care of the oldest ones. My 2nd son is the one I had the strongest super bond with and I had to let that go. Momentarily. The 1st years were difficult for us the parents and probably for the kiddos too.
    But... but now, we've past those years! And how wonderful is my relationship with them and how they are great together. They all help at home, we play endless games together, we have great projects, we learn so much. I love the synergy of our home, our family, our tribe. And the bond I had with my 2nd one didn't die, it was just on hold.
    Is it all we can think about, those 1st years when it is crazy? There is more, there is a passionate life full of changes and discoveries. Those children grow up to be great adults and our planet needs them!
    Take care of you and of all of you :)

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  19. Hi Jodi. I second the need for a cleaner. I had one come fortnightly for 6 months, just to do the essentials. That way I felt less demands and could just focus on enjoying baby. As this was third and final babe, I was mindful of enjoying and being present as it just goes so quickly.

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  20. Like all things in life, it's way too easy to over-think the 'third child' thing. I will say that having the third made me change my parenting altogether - it made me less likely to over-parent and over-worry; I just didn't have the head space. Three is a crowd, no doubt about it. When you think about having 2 kids there are only so many 2-way relationships that can exist within the family unit (mother-father; mother-child 1; mother-child 2; father - child 1; father - child 2; child 1 - child 2). Now, think about that with the third child added... complexity is here but in the best, most dynamic way possible. x

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  21. I found the third one the easiest in many ways. Whilst he was an individual, as much as any child is, I had no angst about what I should be doing. I'd been there and done that. Certainly the first month is hard because you do the day shift with the older children, and the night shift with the baby. It is very tiring.

    As soon as the youngest one is moving about, he's off trying to keep up with the older ones. And he was so adored by them.

    I would suggest writing as much down as you can about baby's development. Whilst I can remember clearly aspects of the other two children's development, I can't remember much about the third one. But I was studying two degrees and working 3 days per week at the time.

    My youngest is now 9. Three is a tricky dynamic, someone is always left out. I like to invite another child over as often as possible because 4 is a better dynamic. And the youngest grows up so much quicker because he is exposed to the older children's play and interests.

    Although I wanted 4 children, I'm glad I had 3. Parenting gets so much harder as your children grow older. It gets easier physically, but harder socially and emotionally. With 2 children now in high school and the youngest one with sensory processing difficulties, it is all systems go. I have to be more hands on now than I ever have, and better organised!

    Best wishes.

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    1. Oh, and I forgot to mention that this third child taught me how to be a parent. This one was sent to jolt me out of my complacent parenting bubble. More challenges definitely, but so much more heart opening.

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