Thursday, May 08, 2014

parents are humans, too








photos taken on our long weekend in Melbourne where the coffee was plentiful and the conversations uninterrupted 


Before I became a mother I was given some advice that I've only recently embraced: in order to nurture your family you need to nurture your relationship; in order to nurture your relationship you need to nurture yourself.  Or, simply: a happy mum and dad makes a happy family. 

In my first few years of parenthood I was so caught up in doing everything right - I worried unnecessarily and exhausted myself with my attempts at perfect mothering. I don't think my experience is particularly uncommon. In fact, I think it may be the norm. But let me just say that it was only when I let go of the idea of perfect parenting that I became a happy and content mum. Years ago I believed that my child's happiness was more important than my own and that taking time out for myself was selfish - now I wholeheartedly believe that it's necessary for my sanity. 

My recent 13 weeks of solo parenting was a big eye opener for me and during that time my children witnessed all my vulnerabilities and flaws; I became a little more human and admitted openly and honestly to them that I couldn't do it all but I would definitely do my best. What was most enlightening about said situation is that I didn't attach guilt to my admission; it felt quite freeing to say that I couldn't do everything and some things would have to wait. It got me thinking about parents and happiness and children and real life. Are we living in an age where our child's happiness is paramount to our own? If so, are we losing ourselves along the way? I presume that most young children think of their parents as super-humans; willing to do anything and everything, at any time of the day or night. I don't think many parents easily dispel this myth, either. Cue my new read All Joy and No Fun - The Paradox of Modern Parenthood; how children reconfigure their parents' lives, how we so easily put ourselves and our relationships on the back-burner in order to create the very best experiences for our children. It's not a book about parenting but an emotional and intellectual analysis of parenthood; the story of what it's actually like, full of the greatest rewards and inevitable sacrifices.  

At the end of the month Daniel and I will celebrate eight years together. We've been parents for the majority of those eight years and I'm not afraid to admit that we established the foundations of our relationship, really got to know each other, when we already had a baby in our arms. This past weekend we spent three nights and four days in Melbourne - the first time in our entire relationship that we've taken a holiday sans kids. Why didn't we do it sooner? A few reasons but mostly my fear of leaving the kids; the guilt attached to going away without them. Of course, the kids had an absolute ball with the grandparents and Daniel and I the best dirty romantic weekend. As we wandered about Melbourne, stopping for coffee when we felt like it, we experienced the freedom of being unencumbered and talked like we hadn't in a long, long time. Conversation promotes connection and that connection is pretty damn essential to a happy relationship and joyful parenthood. It's a priority of ours now, to be disciplined enough to plan regular nights out and the occasional getaway - time to nurture our relationship so we can happily and confidently nurture our family. To step away so we can see what we have and be grateful for it - all of it. 

I love my man (and I LOVE that Melbourne was cold enough for a scarf...because a man in a scarf...)

I haven't really delved into the relationship side of parenting in this space but I think it's a discussion worth having. How has your relationship with your partner been affected by parenthood? Do you schedule date nights or are you too tired to organise one (I remember that tiredness - it does end, I promise). 

also - motherhood : to give you need to receive


32 COMMENTS

  1. thank you so much jodi – you are such a wonderful inspiring woman!

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  2. Beautiful. You're so right. We've haven't ever been away without the kids (aged 6 and 2). What you're describing sounds like perfect bliss. Even a date night would be amazing. I think I need to press this issue!!

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  3. Very wise words as usual Jodi. Gorgeous photos and now I really feel the need to go to Melbourne...sans kids perhaps!? x

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  4. Ha! Dirty/romantic - same thing ;-)

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  5. Such a well-timed post for me Jodi, it's forefront of my mind how this momentous leap into parenthood we're about to take will affect our marriage and 'us'. We've been together for over ten years, we're *such* a well oiled machine, I really hope that throwing a baby in the mix only enhances that. And if all else fails, yes I think we will step back and nurture ourselves so that we can nurture our child and family, total agreement on the importance of that. Thank-you (and I'm glad you had a magic weekend in our magic city, she's a beauty!)

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  6. Thanks for this wise words ! I'm french and it's complicate for me to write in english, sorry ... I work with small kids (i'm an "éducatrice de jeunes enfants" in France) and i'm the mum of 3 kids and i totally agree with your vision of "a happy mum and dad makes a happy family" ... that's what i say everyday to all the families i see in my job ... so sorry with my bad english ! : )

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  7. My daughter is 19 months old & we haven't had any time for just the 2 of us but honestly, i'm too tired to even think about a date night since she still wakes hourly most nights. Hopefully things will get easier & we'll get the chance to reconnect. We need it.

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  8. Parenthood was a big change for my Husband and I. We were so used to working as just us, that we took considerable time to figure out how we best parent together - and a casualty of that was our time-together - but now that we are well into it, we are a bit routine about it: Friday Night Pizza Night (pizza, wine and a DVD or just a conversation together on the couch) is pretty much not-negotiable; our wedding anniversary is ALWAYS celebrated without the girls (also not negotiable).

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  9. A great post Jodi! My husband and I did the same thing for the first time, in Melbourne too, last year. No-one ever told me what an effect having children has on a relationship. Sure there's the positives, seeing the man you love be the most amazing father, but the downsides are rarely discussed! How sleep deprivation leads to snapping at your partner, how resentment of their ability to have a lunch break and develop their career while your at home (even though I love being at home!). I've been together with my love for eight years too and when I think about our first three years together, there was rarely an argument as we didn't have children. It became apparent to us that sleep deprivation and my total dedication to our kids was having an impact on our relationship. You're so right, you need to focus on your relationship as so often it takes a back seat. When we dedicate time for reconnecting it's so much better for our marriage and therefore our children.

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  10. So true what you said!
    My baby is 18 months and still today we are working on little things from our relationship that were left behind. The first months the 'we' was totally forgotten, then was missed and once we realised it the work begun. And we are still working and I think we always will. In fact, every relationship needs nurture, maybe all the time. And this new way of doing it it's more difficult because we have a baby but it's also much more rewarding and valuable, because it's the result of a family.

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  11. That is very sound advice indeed from your friend. I agree! We agree. Parents and the state of their minds/bodies/relationships absolutely set the tone for the family. Putting it in to practice is something else... We are grateful to have two sets of family close by who love to look after our little one. We have done a few occasional date nights, even a lunch, but are yet to have a whole night and day to ourselves. It has a lot to do with our 20 month-old only just beginning to sleep through the night, which has been fine by me as I was breast-feeding through the night. Now he is almost weaned the weekends away are getting closer to a reality. I do make a small effort but want to take more pride in myself too in order to be lovely for my husband, I really think that is important from both sides. We always kiss goodnight though, little things like that really help. Hard to stay grumpy and kiss at the same time.

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  12. Miss Chouette (my daughter) is 13 months old. I've been with M.Surprise (my husband) for ten years now (wow, really?!) The last year has been a challenge!!! It has been so ''rocky''; we've had so many disagreements and fights (which we never use to have)...Sad. But we have decided in the last few months to have one date night per week after the little one goes to bed. No technology. Just the two of us. Sometimes it's a conversation on the couch, sometimes it's a board game, sometimes it's cuddles and more and sometimes it's just watching the trees. It has brought us closer in so many ways. Even though I am exhausted and usually don't feel like it before it starts; I'm sooo glad we are doing it. Recently M.Surprise suggested we do it twice a week; I was shocked and pleasantly surprised. I have a long way to go before I can let go of the guilt to set time aside for me without him and Miss Chouette but I'm trying.

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  13. I'm glad you asked this question Jodi. I think it's something people don't talk about very openly and if you believe what's portrayed in the media, social and otherwise, becoming parents brings couples closer together. And while I wholeheartedly agree that becoming parents brings a joy and a unique bond to a couple, I disagree that it always brings you closer together. In fact, it can very easily create space between a couple and it can be so difficult to nurture that relationship to keep it on track.

    Lives change drastically when you have children; for me it was giving up work and getting used to being at home, permanently, with a child. For my husband it was a new job that brought new challenges, stresses and responsibilities. Our lives suddenly went in opposite directions and we have little common ground to draw on these days. Tiredness and stress makes it even harder to reconnect and with neither of us living a 9-5 life any more there's little time to have conversations and when we do have the time [usually sat on the sofa after dinner] our brains are - quite frankly - mush.

    This is not the image of parenthood that I'd choose to promote over the other, way more beautiful, benefits but the fact that these issues are not openly talked about serves to only further alienate people like myself from their partners and friends - I know I've certainly felt like I'm the only one of my friends who is feeling a little lost within my marriage, everyone else seems so 'loved up'.

    I comfort myself by telling myself that I simply cannot be the only person to feel this way and that it is temporary and with time and effort that connection is still there.

    A weekend away here or there would not go amiss either I'm sure ;)

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  14. So important. What a beautifully written post that I'm sure TONS of parents need to read. My husband and I had been doing a fairly decent job of spending time together before our newborn came. Now that #3 is here, life is a bit different. We barely have 20 minutes a day to have a conversation. As soon as the newborn schedule of things wears off and we have a better handle on being a family of 5, this will take priority once again. Thanks, Jodi.

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  15. Fantastic post and so very well timed!! We just had our very first (lunch) date this week and 15 months of never getting a second alone together and WOW, I didn't quite realise how badly we needed it! We were only gone for an hour but it did such wonders to our relationship. It's so hard to find a good balance between baby and partner. Funnily enough I jst finish writing my own post about our first date together before coming here and reading this. Absolutely love your blog by the way. I only discovered it a week ago and think I must have gone back and read every one of your posts. So refreshing, especially for a first time mother who is still trying to figure out how to juggle everything. xx

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  16. Oh how a relationship suffers when you get no time out together. I can't imagine an uninterrupted conversation! Your post made me realise how much my youngest childs needs have completely taken over my families life. Having a special-needs child (he's 6) makes time out practically impossible, especially when nobody else can cope with him (not even trained respite carers). A night out alone seems like a loooong way off. We are focused on keeping our sanity and supporting each other through it though. Thanks for your post Jodi, it makes me realise how desperately my husband and I need a few hours together, now I'm determined to find a way to make it happen! x

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  17. I appreciate this open hearted and sometimes difficult conversation. I want to echo Hello Poppet's comment. The first several years of becoming parents were the hardest in our marriage. My whole identity changed- I went from working for myself to staying at home home full time, I didn't have any close friends who were moms, everything I used to do to bring me a sense of personal fulfillment changed, no deadlines, lunch dates with girlfriends, long dinner dates with a bottle of wine, time alone. I was adjusting to the fact that my life would never return to what it once was. On the other hand my partner got to continue his life, go to work, have adult conversations with others on a daily basis and shower when he wanted. It rocked us, hard. I felt isolated and lost, searching for a new normal for myself. Luckily I took a wonderful birth class with 9 other couples (some of which are some of my best friends to date) and we had open talks without judgment about how everyone's lives had been affected; sleep, life, sex, and on a personal level. We came to this conclusion, the couples who did argue before didn't notice much of a change, but those that didn't really argue seem to be affected the hardest.

    My advice to any couple struggling is to just talk. Even if your conversations run along the lines of "this sucks", at least you're on the same page and communicating. There is light at the end of the tunnel, your relationship will need to be redefined and your needs, wants and gives will have to adjust accordingly. We are long past this time in our lives but it is something that I will never forget the feeling of, especially when a new mom looks a me and expresses just how hard it is.

    But I wholeheartedly agree that making your relationship a priority is the foundation of family. There was an amazing article in the NY Times (long ago) written by a mother who described her marriage as a planet that her and her husband occupied and her children where the satellites of their love.

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  18. So good to read this! Sounds awesome ;-)
    My husband and I have a couple of nights away lined up in a couple of weeks, and it can't come soon enough. We have 2 little boys, and life this year has been stressful, and we've had so little time to be just us again.
    This acknowledgment of the importance of parental relationships is very timely.

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  19. Our first came along not long after we got together, so I would say we have become a couple with a babe in arms, as well. It was hard, but also wonderful. Sometimes I wish we had time together to travel, read, hang out and be young together, but I feel so blessed for how close we are.

    When we had our first, it was months after we got married. Mum looked after her once a week so my husband and I could focus on us. It was a total dream and the best year of my life. Then I went back to work, my mum moved further away and it all became harder. Now we've been able to focus on us again (as my youngest is finally sleeping well at night) and we are strong and more in love than ever.

    Such an important post!
    Eliza

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  20. Oh, I am longing for a dirty/romantic weekend of my own! Kellie xx

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  21. I can relate to feelings of guilt of perfect parenting Jodi. We didn't leave our kids for a night out till last year and it really was an eye opener to the fact that a) they will be fine and b) not only is it good for us as parents, but it's great for the kids to be developing their relationship with other family members that love them. Now, we have small little snippets of time away from our children, and really nurture our relationship and you're right. Happy mum and dad, happy family! So glad Melbourne was a great escape for you both xx

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  22. I love this post! As i mother of two girls (2yrs and 7 months), it is very hard to step away to have time alone, let alone couple time. Recently my husband and i have starting making the effort to have 'alone time' after the kids have gone to bed. My husband would go for a drive to clear his head and i would go for a walk/jog/supermarket. It has made a big difference for me personally after being at home with the kids all day. I love this blog cause being one of the few of my friends who have kids, it's nice to know that i'm not alone in how i feel.
    One of my friends came over for dinner last night and suggested that she will baby/house sit after the kids go to sleep so my husband and i can have a date night. We haven't had one since my first was born and i'm honestly excited!
    xx

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  23. It's taken me nearly 8 years to realised exactly what you have said. I am pretty sure I am a much better mother since I stopped trying to be so perfect. I think its ok for kids to see our vulnerable sides - it makes us more real. It's not an easy thing to do though and I'm pretty sure we all make the same mistakes xx

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  24. It is so easy to forget to spend time on and with ones self. Even without children, there is so much that can deflect from the important things in life. I'm so sick of seeing curated perfection and eternal happiness being portrayed as the essential elements to good living. Thank you for discussing something that so resonates. (Because I'm a word nerd - you may wish to check the 'effected' in the last paragraph)

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  25. goodness firstly i love thispost and the images are quite breathtaking! secondly i totally agree that relationships need time too and that exhaustion and burn out and losing yourself does not make happy kids. As for me and my hubby we are just working this out now after 8 years...for us we have the additional pressure of our eldest having a rare syndrome where she doesn't sleep and self-harms, so babysitters are hard to do and sleep deprivation is actually forever, this is no phase.....but still we are working it out! If we can.....anybody can!

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  26. Our first weekend away without GInger was our honeymoon - first in two years. Oh it was bliss! We want more of that, but there is another baby to be had first, so maybe in another two years, when the tiredness starts to wane, sigh!

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  27. This book sounds very interesting! I think I might have been more affected (sadly) by what other people thought of my parenting more so than my own pressure at perfection, but either way I am glad that over time those concerns fade! My husband and I have been in this really great phase as our kids have gotten older and needed us less...and I almost forgot how great it could be with just the two of us! But, we are due to have another baby, so we'll be right back in the thick of it again! It's been a marvelous journey!

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  28. I think what you are saying is true but I think there is a large portion of us for whom, a weekend away is not possible (be it no family close by or finances or whatever else life throws at us!). For me, its simply that at 3.5 years into the parenting gig, neither of my kids sleep through the night and my preschooler has regular night terrors. My family doesn't feel comfortable with dealing with this of a night. They are brilliant during the day time however and I'm fortunate enough that on occasion, I can leave my kids with my little sister and pop into town and meet my hubby for a coffee. We aren't the regular 'date night' type of people. Due to the previous mentioned lack of sleep issues, nighttime just isn't my best moment! Breakfast sans kiddos is my ultimate treat and it doesn't interfere with anyone's naptimes and can be squeezed in before work starts. Or a 10 minute morning tea break can feel like an hour without little voices interrupting. I'm aware that families all look so different, that I think nuturing the relationship of those doing the parenting is going to look vastly different for each of us and possibly vastly different from how I personally would like it to look for myself!

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  29. Uninterrupted conversations - I think I miss those the most!

    And yes, men in scarves....

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  30. We aren't the best at date nights, and that is the one thing piece of advice we've been given over and over. I'm committing to be better, because someday my children will leave the nest, and I would like to still be closely connected with my husband at that stage. Also, a girlfriend of mine was telling me about a conversation with a child development expert, and their theory about if parents are "perfect" 30% of the time, their children will turn out great. Don't know the studies behind it, but 30% is a hopeful amount ;)

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  31. I really love how you and Daniel have done this. My husband was often telling me we should be doing this, and it took me a long time to finally "let go" of the kids for a few nights. We went to Perth for our anniversary last year, and it was so great to really reconnect and just be each other for a few days, although I think he got a bit tired of being dragged into another book shop :). We have vowed to do it at least once a year now, even if just for one night. The more you do it, the easier (and less anxiety producing) it is to leave the kids. Nurturing our relationship is very important to us, it can slip all too easily.

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  32. I agree with all of this. In the beginning, after we welcomed our daughter, I felt like I had to be engaging her and giving her everything she could want all the time (which was mostly me, so I never left her for more than a couple of hours). I was definitely what you'd call an 'attached parent'. As she's gotten older (now 20 months) and I've gotten wiser, I now realize that we both need downtime from stimulation and from eachother.
    My partner and I just had our first night away since her birth and I felt so rejuvenated when I returned home to her. It's important for the parents to have the time away (if possible) and it's good for the kids to learn that life doesn't fall apart when they don't have their parents. I'm glad to hear you had a good weekend and the pictures are lovely. Thanks again for another great post, I always cherish reading your blog when I can.

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